Moving Within the Moments

I just finished a midterm. And what I am writing now does not mean that I do not care about my school work. Most of you who are well acquainted with my life will know that opposite is true. Walking into the midterm, I was not at all worried. Most of the people around me were cramming last minute or at least pretending to read over the notes for the last time.

The reason why I was less worried for this one midterm was an exercise in perspective that one of my friends used to put me through. He is currently on the other side of the world (possibly reading this) and his lesson has lived on. School is important, which is something I will admit to, but it is not the most important thing in life.

In the grand scheme of things, one test for one class in one year of university is not going to impact the rest of my life. I may think that it will, but it won't. When I am older, holding a job that I love, creating another family the history of American musical theater is not going to be nearly as important as it is now.

My life is really busy now and rather stressful. I get criticized a lot for all the work I take on and how much effort I put into the work that I have taken on. The reality is though is that I am aware this is not the most important thing. Sometimes I may fall out of touch with my friends and put less effort into keeping in touch, but I do know what is the most important thing.

The most important thing in my life is not my school work. It is the moments in life - the lazy mornings of watching the sunrise, watching the snow fall through the window, curling up with a good book and a cup of tea, sitting on the porch with a glass of wine and good company, going for walks around the pond. It is the moments of happiness, the moments of mourning. It is the time that we take with the small things in our lives.

I appear to be moving withing my own world of stress right now. For the most part, I am aware that I am. I don't always like it, but I know it is the fastest way to complete my degree and do a good job of it. I need to learn how to separate my world of stress from my world of real life, the world of connection and important things.

I know what it feels like to move outside the moments. I know that it hurts and feels empty. I'm attempting to learn how to move within the moments of my life. It is hard for me to be able to live within each moment when it takes so much more energy to do so. It is worth it though. It's worth it to live within the moments.

Queen of Little Rocks

I have a new title now. Over the past few years a few people have called me on the audacity that I have had to title myself Queen of the Word. It's been a good email address, although many people have felt that my ego extended to claim the whole world. It had not. Now my ego only extends to little rocks.

I got a lecture today from my wise man. He still wants me to listen at some point, but he may have begun to feel that it is a vain hope. Reading over my past few blogs, it is obvious that I am stressed. I know there are ways to relieve the stress, but I don't seem to be good at using those in order to actually get rid of the stress in my life.

The analogy that my new title refers to is the one of big rocks and little rocks. Life is like a jar. You can fill it up with the little rocks, the little things in life, but then there is no room for the big rocks, the important things. Some of the big rocks are family, friends, your health, your sanity. The little ones are stressing about an assignment that is due the next day, making the house look perfect for guests, shopping for new clothes.

The little rocks have begun to fill up my life and I will be the first to admit that. I know where the big rocks are and I understand why they are important. It's just that some where between everything some of them have gone missing and little rocks have fallen in to take their place. No matter how much I attempt to shovel them out, more keep falling in on me.

During the summer, life is simpler. Balance is restored. It is the little things that become the big things and rightly so. A smile in the morning, time to go out for coffee, dancing in the kitchen, praying together. All the things that don't happen during the year. The things that I take the time for and the things that make me happy. I need to learn the art of bringing my summer self along with my school self. I haven't quite reached there yet as many people seem to delight in reminding me, but I am trying. And one day I will get it right. I promise.

I forgot one of the phrases that was supposed to be a part of this blog. The tyranny of the urgent. Not everything has to be done yesterday, or even today. It is OK to leave things until tomorrow. In case my sister is reading this, that does not mean ten page essays or papers that are more than 10% of your mark. Just about anything else though is fine. So I'm doing my best to overthrow the tyranny of my life. Another ongoing project and goal. We'll see how it goes.

Finding New Settings

My housemate bought a new blender when we got to our apartment. We didn't have a really good one at our old house and it really didn't cut it for making our signature bad day drink. The new one we have is really nice and looks very fancy. It also has a lot of settings on it. There are ice crush, blend, mix, puree, chop, etc.

I've learned that there are some parallels in my life. The problem is that I don't have nearly as many settings. During the summer I don't really have to worry about many settings. I am relaxed and I am happy. The school year brings with it a unique set of settings for my life. They are stressed, busy, flying from one place to the next, and constantly moving. At any one moment, these settings are combined and slightly adjusted between them. Earlier this evening I realized what a toll this is taking on my life.

For the first time I am attempting a long distance relationship, something I said I would never do and thought those who did were crazy. Now I know they are. The only problem with going through different seasons with someone is that they see things they weren't expecting to see. My significant other is having a hard time dealing with the school me. He's accustomed to the summer form of my life where I am happy and life is good. I don't have to move very quickly between places and I'm never stressed. Not like this at least. It's hard to realize that free time disappears in many ways and choices have to be made about what is most important to get done. There are always things that fall through the cracks.

I've also lost my regular haunt this year. There has been a boycott of the music students' favorite pub for various reasons and that shut off an effective avenue of stress relief in my life. A guaranteed night away from my computer and the formal language of my readings and by necessity my writings was a welcome break. I'm attempting to create the same time in my life now and I'm not sure how I did it last year. I'm not really sure how I did a great deal of things last year.

One of my professors has mentioned something interesting about music. Being a music student it is incredibly easy to lose music as an outlet for yourself. It is easy to get caught up in the listenings that have to get done, the memorizing of the pieces and the endless performances. It's hard to find time to learn music that you simply enjoy learning and even harder to find time to simply sit and listen to the music that you like. It seems there is an adjustment to be made.

I realize that the settings in my life are not going to work. I am aware that they are too narrow and don't leave room in my life for anything that is really important to me. School is my life and I don't like it. There are only a small number of classes that I truly enjoy, but it is my Monday nights at L'arche and the weekends I get to visit that are truly important to me. As my settings narrow, my perspective is also skewed and it needs to be recalibrated. There are a great deal of things that must happen in order for the to work and I'm not sure if I can make it through the list that is that long. I'm going to give it a shot though. Because for the first time in two months I have a little bit of perspective.

The Act of Becoming

I just watched a movie about Jane Austen. As an avid reader, I really enjoyed learning more about one of the most famous female authors of the past two centuries. The movie did break my heart in the end, but it was good. It is only good movies that have that much power over me.

The most interesting part about seeing the movie was the ability to watch Jane in her becoming. She makes active choices in her life that lead to some things I am sure she would have rather avoided. Regardless of that though, she still became someone incredible.

I'm at the point of my life where I am beginning to become. I'm not quite sure what I am becoming at this point. A few years ago, I thought I knew who I would be at this point in my life, but I have no idea at this point.

The act of becoming is something that many of the people in my life are in the process of. Many of us are trying to figure out what it is exactly that we are going to become. We are not sure.

In the end, I'm not sure the act of becoming is something that we have total control over or if it is something that we must cede control of in order for it to happen. Control is something that I enjoy having and something I find difficult to let go of. Perhaps that's why I have vigilantly overseen what it is that I am becoming. I have made the choices that make me who I want to me.

Unfortunately the choices that I have had to make so far are not the ones that will define me. They are not hard and they do not require much thought. They may require feeling, but they do not require much thought. They have not changed large parts of my life. I am envious of those who have had the strength to make the choices I have shied away from. I know there will come a time in my life that I will be forced to make the same choices, but I have simply not had to make them yet.

I have not had to decide where to live, who to live my life with, or what career path I will choose. I have not made many sacrifices in my life although I am sure that I will later in my life. The choices that I have made will shape my life in different ways. I have chosen what school to attend, who to live with while I am here, what summer job I will hold and when I will fall in love. Well, perhaps the falling in love is less of a choice and more of a matter of situation.

The act of becoming is one of the most hazardous acts that we shall all go through at points in our life. There will be moments when we decide that we don't want to do it anymore and simply stay the way we are, but we don't get that option. Becoming is something we spend our lives doing, we don't really have much choice in this. From the day we are born, we make choices and shape our lives and become who we are supposed to be.

Balancing the Scales

Balance is not a word that I am entirely comfortable with. My life doesn't seem to have a lot of it and I'm alright with it remaining that way. Whatever I do, I do with my whole heart. I don't want that to change.

Having said that I love my life the way it is, a stress fracture and tendinitis say that something's gotta give. The problem with allowing or encouraging that to happen still mean that something has to give. And I don't want it to.

During the summer, I live the life I want to live, whole heartedly and completely. The balance is not something that I have to reach for, it's not something that I have to work for. It is simply something that is.

Back at school, I am learning that balance is not usually that easy. Balance is not easy for me because whenever I do something, I do it with my whole heart. I am at school now and this is what is consuming my life. I wake up and start going in so many directions that are so different from what I really love doing.

At work, I move in more than eight directions at one time. The only difference is that all of those directions consume my whole heart and they are my whole being. When I move here, I am moving quickly and I am moving completely, but I am not moving whole heartedly. I am moving because I must. It is necessity that prompts my moving and not the desire to do so. I am so focused on the one thing in the world that I forget to see what is around my tunnel vision.

Attempting to balance the scales at this point in my life is an endeavour, one that I am not sure if I am entirely capable of undertaking. I am going to make an attempt at it anyways. I shall attempt to lose some of my tunnel vision. I will take some time for myself. Time to write and read what I want and what appeals to my heart. I will make the music that makes my soul sing and take the time to do relax. I will take the time to play and the time to laugh. I will ensure the time for my relationships that will allow them to grow, for there is nothing else that makes life more enjoyable than these.

I'm not sure if these goals will balance my life, but it might be a good start.