Mom-sick

I want my mom! I thought that I felt homesick, but I went to talk to Father Bill and he clarified this me. I'm not really homesick. London is a home for me. I just want my mom, and my sister and the girl time that we get to have when my father is out of the country as he seems to be right now.
I really want to go home to a time to when mom's kisses make every kind of hurt better and the worst thing that happens is a skinned knee. Every time that I've broken up with someone, my family is usually there because it's usually right before I go home for something. This time it's harder because I don't have that. I guess that means I have to learn how to stand on my own. I'll survive.
But I still want my mom . . .

Death and Transfiguration

Amazing how much Strauss, a compliment from your conductor and a clementine orange can change your life. Some things just don't let you be the same again.

Endings and Beginnings

From every ending comes a new beginning.
When a door slams shut in your face, a window opens.
Sometimes endings are just opportunities.
Sometimes you miss that something has ended and when realize that it's not there anymore, you miss it so much more than what you got in it's place. Occasionally you realize that you gave up something so special to grasp at something that doesn't even come close. And if you are willing to give up what you got, you have no idea if you can ever go back to where you were.
Perhaps that's for the best though. You may not be able to go back, but you can certainly begin again.

Happiness

"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory." Albert Schweitzer
"The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love and something to hope for." Allan K. Chalmers
"If only we'd stop trying to be happy we'd have a pretty good time." Edith Wharton
"You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy." Eric Hoffer
"Happiness if having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city." George Burns
"All seasons are beautiful for the person who carries happiness within." Friess
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves." J. M. Barrie
"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination." Mark Twain
"The greatest part of our happiness depends on our dispositions, not our circumstances." Martha Washington
"Happiness is not having what you want. It's wanting what you have." Unknown
"Happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. Well, isn't it?" Glinda from Wicked

All these quotes are my attempt of the day to track down the meaning of happiness, but I suppose more importantly to determine if I am happy. I have no idea. I love the life I have. The best part of my week is being a part of the family that I have found at Jubilee. I think I'm happy. I see the beauty in each new day and thank God for every sunrise that I get to see. I have all that I could ever desire. My life is full of so many blessings.
I just have one question. Is it ethical to give up a part of your happiness because you know it makes someone else happy?

McMillan Marathon

This is an event that happens twice a year I believe, and for me, that is twice too many. There are many great singers in this studio and beautiful pieces are sung. Orianna never fails to have a funny piece that will having you humming by the end of it, and many of the people on the stage will probably be on an opera stage in a few years. But my overwhelming feeling at the end of this event is "I WANT THOSE HOURS OF MY LIFE BACK!"
I am not a vocalist and I go to support those in the studio who I know. Occasionally also because I need to catch up on some sleep. So for those of you who haven't yet been warned: If you are invited to this studio recital and the person inviting you is not at the very beginning of the program here are my suggestions.
1. Claim to have a class then. If they don't know your schedule, they won't be able to tell if you are lying.
2. Have a test the next day that you simply have to study for.
3. A friend has an emergency that you have to be there for. This covers a multitude of sins.
4. Death in the family, or best yet, your death. Calling in dead is always good for a few laughs!
So on that note I leave you. Congratulations to all who sang tonight. You did a wonderful job. I apologize for being so touched with sarcasm.

Grief

I recently received an email from a friend who is studying for her MDiv out west and she mentioned someone who I hadn't thought of in awhile. It's the 5th annual Jay Cook Christmas Toy Drive. Jay was a friend of mine who killed himself when I was 14. It's been five years and I still don't feel like I've dealt with my grief from that any more than I had the day I got the call from Jenn telling me what had happened.
While I was crying over Jay a little bit more, I thought of all those who had left my life that I still haven't been able to let go of. Jenn Welsh died of leukemia when we were fifteen, and recently my uncle died, leaving seven children and four grandchildren. It all happened so fast that it doesn't seem like I had time to deal with it. And since then I siply haven't wanted to.
My question: How have I made it to 19 years of age and still not found a way to deal with grief?

Wicked was wicked!

I got really lucky this weekend and part of my 19th birthday present was to see Wicked at the Canon Theater in Toronto with my mom, my sister, my godmother and my aunt. It was such a great night! I have never seen such an incredible musical before and I have seen quite a few. There are some really fantastic lines from the songs. Here are a few of them. I hope they make you laugh and make you think.
"Life's more painless for the brainless. Why think too hard, when it's so soothing?" Fiyero
"Those who don't try, never look foolish." Fiyero
"Don't lose sight of who you are." Elphaba
"I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game." Elphaba
"I'm through accepting limits, cause someone says they're so. Some things I cannot change, but 'til I try I'll never know. Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I have lost. Well, if that's love it comes at much too high a cost." Elphaba
"Everyone deserves the change to fly." Elphaba
"Cause getting your dreams, it's strange but it seems, a little, well, complicated. There's a kind of a sort of cost. There's a couple of things get lost. There are bridges you cross you didn't know you crossed until you've crossed . . ." Glinda
"Because happy is what happens when all your dreams come true. Isn't it?" Glinda
"A man's called a traitor, or liberator. A rich man's a thief or philanthropist. Is one a crusader, or ruthless invader? It's all in which label is able to persist." The Wizard
"We are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return." Glinda
I don't feel like copying out all of one of the songs, For Good, but it is truly fantastic and is best for good friends.
My favourite line, that reminds me of me in so many ways: "Just follow the one yellow road all the way there! I hope they get there all right. I'm so bad at giving directions!" Glinda
If you get a chance to see Wicked while it is in Toronto, I would suggest that. It may make you feel wicked!

Remember

Yesterday I was at a Rememberance Day ceremony at Huron College. It was a great ceremony although I realized that I couldn't entirely appreciate it. I cried, as I always do at these ceremonies. I thought about my grandfather who served as a pilot and signed up the day he turned 18. I listened to the names of those who had fallen in service to Canada, but most of what I felt was anger. Anger that they had fallen for nothing. Anger that there is still war that requires men to serve in uniform in countries that aren't their own. Anger that our world really hasn't been made any better by the sacrfice that they have made.
This morning I was able to take Mike Ricci out for breakfast. Mike is a core member at L'arche Daybreak in Richmondhill who I had the privilege of living with and growing in love with over the summer. After breakfast, my mom pointed out that if Hitler had won the last world war, there would be no place for those like Mike. Those who live life a little differently than the rest of us, but who seem to have so much more love to give than those who are concerned with work and making it to the top fastest. We wouldn't be able to grow in love with them.
Today I don't feel anger. I feel thankful. Thankful for the sacrifices that have been made. Thankful that there is a place in the world for those who live life differently. Thankful that we may not have a perfect world, but that there are those who are striving to make it better. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you to those whose names I do not know, those who have fallen to preserve something that they could not yet see. Thank you for making a place in the world for the men and women whose hearts are always open and whose love has the ability to change the world.

Coming Home . . .

In the past year I have learned so many things about home. While I was in high school I would have said that Aurora with my family is my home absolutely 100%. Now I have a little bit of a different perspective.
I live in London throughout the year as that is where I'm studying for my undergraduate degree. When I lived in residence last year, as much as I may have hated it at certain moments, it did become a home for me. This year Paperbirch gets to claim that honor.
Over the past summer, I didn't come back to Aurora to live with my family, but chose to make a home at L'arche Daybreak which is so much more than a home for me. That is a place of love and acceptance that you will never find anywhere else. When I think of what I left when I returned to school in September, tears usually begin to form in my eyes.
Now, home is less of a place and more of a feeling. A place where I can feel safe and create intimacy with those around me. It's a place where laughter and love are never in short supply, food is always plentiful and comfort is always available.
I read this quote somewhere and it really sums up what I think a home is. This is what we've created together and I'm thankful every day for all the homes that I am blessed to a part of.
"A house is made with wood and beams. A home is made with love and dreams."

Heaven and Hell?

I made a comment a few days ago about not believing in hell and I was summarily questioned. If I don't believe in hell, how can I believe in heaven? Here is my answer to that.
In order for there to be day, there must be night. For white, there must be black. To feel the sun, you must first endure the rain. In order for there to be a heaven, there must also be a hell. There is a balance to the world that has to be felt. But, cold is simply the absence of heat, not an actual state. Dark is an abscence of light and not something we can adequately describe. So, hell is the permanent separation from God. To never feel the touch of the divine again. That is what hell is.

Giving Blood

I gave blood two days ago and I'm still feeling a little bit sick, but I feel better that I have given blood. This is my plug for giving blood. I give because my mom always gave and she can't anymore.
There are always people who will need blood. There are car accidents, cancer treatments, surgeries that all require blood in order for the person to survive. If you were in the position of having to receive blood, would you want it to be there?
Most especially if you are AB blood type, they very badly need your blood right now. Check out bloodservices.ca for information about clinics near you. If you are on campus at Western, there is a blood drive three days a week at the UCC. I can do the moral support thing for people who need it.
You really don't need all of your blood. Give some of it away.

All Saints' Day

Today was All Saints' Sunday in the church calendar. That is the Anglican and Catholic church calendar's. Not in the Presbyterian which saddens me for the few days a year that I can actually be considered a Presbyterian . . . Anyways, the point of that is that there are apparently a lot more saints than I had even realized there were. Given that saints are not a part of the tradition I was raised with, they still fascinate me. There was also a really good sermon this morning on them.
The basic idea of the sermon is that saints are not born saints. They are not some mystical people who never have to deal with any problems. They are ordinary people who weep, bleed, mourn and love as we do. They are ordinary people. They are simply ordinary people who do extraordinary things with strength of character and virtue.
In holding with that definition of saints, how many saints do you know? And when was the last time you said thank you for them being a part of your life?

Sunrise . . .

My kitchen window faces east(ish). I never realized that prior to this morning because I'm never been in the kitchen to watch the sunrise before. I think I may be getting up a few minutes earlier each morning. It's a great way to start the day when you can see the dark blues of the midnight sky blending into the paler blues that signal the leaving of the stars, followed by the vibrant pinks and oranges that herald that coming of the sun. In ancient mythology Apollo was said to have brought the sun aorund with his chariot in the morning. Some days I'm not so sure that the ancients were entirely wrong . . .
The actual reason why I was up so early though was to bake, which was nice since I haven't had a chance to do that in awhile. I hope they turn out all right.

I can't sing, but they can!

Tonight I got a chance to see one of the greatest concerts of my life. Boni Pueri was in Canada on tour from Czech and I have never heard anyone sing quite like that. It definitely made my night and possibly changed my life. Oh, Amabile was really good too, since they were the ones I had originally gone to see! :)
The concert reminded me of something that someone wise once said about a choir he sings in. "I can't sing, but we can!" I wonder how many areas of life would improve if everyone followed that mentality . . .
I also realized that it's when you think that your life is under control and that you have it all planned out, life has a habit of throwing curve balls at you. You just need to learn how to catch them! I haven't quite mastered the catching, but I am learning how to juggle!