Learning to Take Care

One of my favourite salutations is "Take care." It wasn't until recently that I realized how charged that salutation is. It depends on the situation, but it can sometimes to take care of something that has to done, take care of those around you or to take care of yourself.

I am good at doing what has to be done. I am the organized one. I'm good at balancing a million things and getting them all done. They may not all be done really well, but they get done to a good level.

Given the nickname I earned during high school, Mom, I know that I am good at taking care of other people. I know I am because it is such a large part of what I do. I am the one who makes sure people get where they are supposed to, to make sure that other essays are done and delivered and bakes cookies just because. I am good at taking care of other people. I really am.

The part of taking care that I have to learn and am in the process of learning is how to take care of myself. I have lived away from my parents for the entire time I have been at university. Unlike many of my friends, I don't even go home for the summer. During the summer, I get to take care of many people who have different level of ability than I do. I have more responsibility than I have ever had before. My mistakes at work are serious. Lack of medication, forgetting to check on something, can result in serious problems. I really do know how to take care of others well. The only thing is that I don't get time to take care of myself over the summer.

I have no idea how to take care of myself. I know how to make food and get things done, but until this year, I never knew how to take a sick day for myself. I didn't know how to have a day just to do little things that I want to do. I am fiercely independent and I have a hard time letting go of the little things that I am so used doing by myself. I think on some level I think that if I let go of them and get used to having someone else there, the other person will leave and I will be more heartbroken than I would have otherwise been. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for that. I have enough people walking in and out of my life on a regular basis and it hurts every time. The people you lose contact with, the ones who move themselves away from you. It doesn't seem to matter how it happens, it always hurts. Because of that, I have always said that I can take care of myself. The reality is that I don't know how to.

I don't know how to be sick, I don't know how to relax. I'm learning, but it is a process. It is hard to change my life view and be willing to let people stay in my life. I'm unused to letting other people take care of me. Now I'm learning to both take care of myself and let others take care of me. It's a good learning experience.

Finding Home

I got to go home tonight. I actually got to go home twice. The first time I went back to work which has become a powerful place of home for me. I have a family there who don't love me just because they have to. They love me simply because they can. I know there will always be a place for me at the table and welcoming arms when I have had a bad day. The second time was when I walked through the door of my parents house, a place I don't live in for much of the year.

I have come to the realization over the past few years that there are many different definitions of home. For me, there are more than different definitions, there are many different homes. I realize that this has been hard for my parents since I was the first child to move away from home and also the first to find home in so many different places.

I'm not really sure what makes the definition of home for me. I know that in every home I have, there are many people who love me and want me to succeed. I also know that they are all places that I can go and feel safe.

I have just passed a major birthday in my life, but I know that I am going to find many places of home before I get much older. When I am done school, I will have to find a place that I want to call my home. I'm not sure where this is going to be. It may be in Halifax, St. John's, Vancouver, or Saskatoon. I really have no idea where my life is going to call me or how many times I will find a home.

I used to think that you have to create a home for yourself, but I've realized that home also finds you. I never intended to fracture my heart to cover so many areas, but it has happened because of the places that have found me and called me to remain. Wherever I go from now on, I know that I will both find and a create a home for myself. It doesn't seem to matter where I am, but I always feel the call of home. There is always someone who tugs at my heart and wants me to remain and leads me to the same desire.

The life of a student is not conducive for staying in one place. My feeling of home is one that is split and I have a feeling that it will remain so for much of my life. I'm not sure where my life will take me from this point, but there will always be a home for me.

Becoming Unstuck

I was at a worship service tonight which made me think about a lot of things that have been resting hard on my heart. There are points in everyone's life when something they thought was a sure thing turns out to not be and there is a huge change of direction.

It is so easy to get stuck in the pattern that we create for ourselves, the patterns that we have deemed to be good for us, regardless of how sustainable they actually are. It can be very difficult to get out of the patterns we create, especially when they are comfortable and the world outside is scary. It is hard to break with what you know and try something new. It is a huge risk because you don't have the option of going back to the safety of what you once knew. All you can do is move forward.

Somedays it feels almost like pulling off a Band-Aid. This is also something that I hate doing. I'm really, really bad at it. It is so much easier to simply cover up what is wrong in your life and not deal with it. When you are confronted with the hard choices, it is necessary to remove the coverings on the wounds of your life in order to get back to a state of rightness within yourself and with those around you. You have to make something unstick in order to move and grow within yourself.

Over the past few weeks, I have become to unstick the things in my life. A lot of them have hurt, but the hurt does go away and I know that it was the right thing to do. It is worth it to take chances, embrace the risks and be able to change your life. It is not worth to get stuck in a place that you are not happy. It is also not worth to get stuck in a place where you will not grow.

As much as it may hurt to unstick yourself from what is familiar, what is easy, it is worth it. Over time the hurt does go away. And there is such a huge world out there. Sometimes it's just around the next bend.

There Ought To Be

I'm still stuck on that song from the musical I was listening to. The line that is now in my head is this. "There ought to be a ray of sun that shines on anyone who loves."

There are many things in the world that ought to be and aren't. There ought to be enough food for everyone, there ought to be a home for everyone, there ought to be a loving family for everyone. The reality is that what there ought to be is not what there always is. Everyone ought to be accepted for who they are and not who others want them to be, but that is also not what happens.

For all the things that ought to be and aren't, the one thing that should happen is allowing two people to find happiness with each other. It is hard enough to find someone who can make you happy, who stays in the corners of your mind, who you want to spend the rest of your life with, without the judgement of the world encroaching on the happiness that you have found. It is hard to open your heart to love and care for another person and make them a part of your life. That is not something that the rest of the world should feel they have a say in.

"How can loving ever really be a sin?" The act of loving is something that is a good. It is an unselfish action that opens your life to another. There is nothing bad about it. How is it that such an unselfish action can be so judged by those who don't share the same heart?

There ought to be a ray of sun that shines on anyone who loves. There should be and maybe one day there will be. Until then, it will be the brave who love, those who are willing to share their lives with others and open their hearts. And those who are afraid to love have no right to judge that.

Right or Righteous

I'm going through and listening to all the musicals that I have on my computer right now while studying. Not studying for anything musical related, although I should, but I find the tunes catchy and the lyrics easy to sing along to.

The musical that has currently caught my attention is Dance a Little Closer. It was produced in the year that I was born and I am intrigued that it raises an issue that is still considered pressing and controversial in this year.

The issue that is being addressed is gay marriage. It is even more interesting that this piece addresses it in the realm of the Anglican Church. Despite the fact that I was raised Presbyterian, over the past three years I have found my place to be more and more in the Anglican Church. The Anglican Church has really taken a chicken stance on the whole issue, as well as the issue of ordaining someone who is openly gay.

The atmosphere where many of my beliefs have been crystallized is not one of intolerance. It is one of openness and welcome to everyone with the belief that everyone has something valid to offer. This is not changed by physical or mental ability, race, sex, orientation or age. Everyone is welcome on the basis that they are precious children of God. I have no idea how so many people can judge people with such intolerance. It is not right and it is not just. There is no grace in that judgement.

One of the lines from the song that I am listening to is "How can right and righteous be so far apart?" It is amazing that those who view themselves to be so righteous are so intolerant of the differences in others. The right thing to do is to say that everyone is valid and valued on who they are, not judged and shunned because of that.

There is a book that came out recently that I was looking at in a bookstore. Don't worry. I was supervised. The book was called "A Letter to a Christian Nation." The first few pages were exceedingly interesting to read. In the case of many, those who have just come into a new set of beliefs, beliefs that are supposed to welcoming and open, are the most intolerant of many. It frightens me that these people belong to the same faith that I claim as my own.

What is right is not always what is righteous. When vengeance is righteous, forgiveness is right. When intolerance is righteous, tolerance and understanding is right. Society needs to make a choice to be right and not righteous.

The other issue that has come up more in my life is the idea of ordination of those who are homosexual. The reason why this has become more important now is that it has become personal and is hurting someone that I love and that is not alright. It is not right because it hurts not only the person who is being turned away from a call they have heard, but the those who they could ably minister to. It is horrible because those who judge have no idea who many lives they are touching, how many lives they are changing by not allowing people to be who they are.

It is so easy to be righteous. It is easy to be proud and not bend your ideas in any way. But it is better to be right.

A Day of Rememberance

This is one of the days of the year that I will always carry Kleenex because I will spend most of it in tears. This morning, I attended a beautiful ceremony in which I did play. And of course the song made me cry. That did raise the level of difficulty of the piece. The best part of the service though was the ability to celebrate and give thanks for those who have served.

This morning there was a veteran with us. He has very little gray hair and moves slowly only because he was recently sick. He is 25 years old and has served in so many ways. What he has done, I can never imagine doing. It is not something I would ever be able to do and I am so thankful that he was able to. I am even more thankful that he was able to come back and that I have the privilege to call him a friend.

I don't usually post things that were not written by me, but this Remembrance Day I think I will make an exception.

It is the veteran, not the preacher,
Who have given us freedom of religion.

It is the veteran, not the reporter,
Who has given us freedom of the press.

It is the veteran, not the poet,
Who has given us freedom of speech.

It is the veteran, not the campus organizer,
Who has given us freedom of assembly.

It is the veteran, not the lawyer,
Who has given us the right to a fair trial.

It is the veteran, not the politician,
Who has given us the right to vote.

It is the veteran who salutes the flag.
It is the veteran who serves under the flag.

For the first time in 60 years we have young veterans in our midst. Some of them will not grow old as we who are left behind grow old, but some will. And they deserve our respect and eternal gratitude for what they have done. Never forget the sacrifices that have been made to secure a future for you. Remember.

My Mother's Legacy

My mom is incredible. She works so hard and has instilled a great work ethic in both of her children. Well, at least one of her children. She has taught me how to be graceful (most of the time) and courteous to everyone. Even the people who are really annoying. The other talent that she has instilled in me is the inability to rest.

I am not the most relaxed person in the entire world during the year. The summer is a slightly different story, but the level of relaxation definitely does go up then. However, the rain pounding on my window reminds me that the season is not longer bright and sunny and the temperature is falling to suit a Canadian winter. There seems to be some correlation to that and my stress level.

Over the past few days I have gotten very sick. This has happened for various reasons, not the least of which being I have no idea how to rest. For me there is always something else to do, always one more thing that only I can make perfect. I have learned this from my mother. She is also sick, but is in every day at work. Somehow, I have been convinced to stay home and get better. Resting is only one of the things that is really going to make me feel better. There are a few other things that have to happen and eventually I'll get around to sorting them out.

It wasn't until I moved out of the house that I realized how similar I am to my mother. Now when I go back, I seem to notice it a lot more too. I just wish I could learn how to relax . . .

Four Wheel Freedom

I have a car for a few weeks while my father is on the other side of the world. I love having a car. I never realized how much I love having a car.

I can survive very well when I am in London without a car. The bus system is good. It has never bothered me to not have a car, but now that I do have a car, it is great. There is a degree of freedom that I really enjoy having.

Over the past few weeks, I had begun to feel a little trapped in the life I have created for myself. The freedom of having four wheels is really helping with that.

I love to drive. I love being able to take off and being able to feel the road moving away from me. It had never occurred to me that being in a car and having control. It makes me feel like I am in control of something.

Many things seem to be taken out of my control right now. I didn't want to be back at school this year and I am. I do enjoy it, which is lucky, but it still wasn't what I wanted to with my year. I usually feel as though I have more control of the relationships in my life, which I am so aware that I don't this year. Assumptions I had made have been proven to be very very wrong and it's not necessarily a bad thing. The only place I feel that I am totally in control is when I am in the driver's seat.

I'm not sure when it was that I became a control freak, but I am aware that it can be considered another one of my titles. I have learned to let go of some things, but I can't seem to let go of others. I don't like, but I have to wonder how much I can really do about it. Maybe I'll just get back into my car.