Mellowed With Age

Today was the day that I spend most of my year dreading. The day when most of my family descends on my house to celebrate the season and the many blessings that have come into our lives. This year was destined to be a little bit different than every other year as it is one of the first years that my Uncle Keith has been absent, and the first year that his absence was not due to work. He passed away over the summer and I'm just coming to realize how much I miss him.

That being said, today was not the train wreck that I had imagined it to be. True there were some awkward questions from one cousin about if I was involved with anyone and if I wanted to be. Spilling my guts and all the complications in my life to a 9 year old boy would probably not be the best idea, so I attempted to extricate myself from the situation and I think that I did a decent job of it. For this year at least.

Other than that, the family was remarkably calm from what I've grown accustomed to in the past 19 years of my life. There was limited yelling and screaming and I only attempted to kill one of my cousins after he shot me in the butt with a stale marshmallow. It was an entertaining chase though!

The one major thing I seem to have learned about family is that they are a drink that is best taken with some aging (which leads to mellowing) and a strong shot of experience. The love makes the drink go down a little bit smoother past the catch in your throat, and at the end of the day, you have to be thankful for a loving family who is willing to make the trek to your house in order to celebrate.

I'm not sure if the mellowing has come from me or my cousins, but has undeniably made this Christmas season ten times easier. It also makes time for presents a lot easier. I have to admit that two years ago I wouldn't have been quite as thrilled with bee hives for a third world country as I am now.

Maybe it is all the growing up that I have done in the past year, and maybe it is simply the fact that my cousins are indeed getting older and they are also growing up, although I have to admit that thought frightens me a little. Whichever way it has worked out, it is nice to know that all things tend to mellow a little with age.

Grown Up Christmas List

As crazy as the past year has been in my life, it all seems to gain a small measure of peace when I hear this song. The best version in my opinion is sung by Natalie Cole, but that may simply be because I truly love jazz. Her words also articulate much of what is in my heart. It may sound sappy and full of hopes and dreams, but this is what I want for the next year. Santa can't bring it down the chimney for me, but I hope that somewhere in this crazy world this wish list is coming true.

"Do you remember me?
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you with childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown-up now
Can you still help somehow?
I'm not a child, but my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown-up Christmas list
Not for myself, but for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown-up Christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth?
Maybe only in that blind belief can we ever find the truth

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal our hearts
Every man would have a friend
That right would always win
And love would never end

This is my grown-up Christmas list
This is my only lifelong wish
This is my grown-up Christmas list"

It is my prayer on this blessed night that everyone finds a measure of peace in their hearts and the chance to rejoice with those that they love.

And because the depth of my words never seems to match that of Dickens, I shall have to borrow some of his. God bless us, everyone!

Trimming the Tree

The tree is finally up in our house and it made me feel happy and sad all at the same time. This is the first year in awhile that I will be single for the holidays. Not only single, but without the thought of someone close by to look forward to. It made me feel lonely for the first time in a long time.

Carefully putting the ornaments up on the tree also took on a different meaning for me this year. I had a chance to look back and remember all the memories about how we have collected all the memories that are being hung on the branches of our tree. There are all the cute (also embarassing) ones that have pictures of my sister and I when we were younger. I attempted to hang those farther back, but my mom insisted that they stay at the front so that she can see them. There are the funny ornaments that Kate and I made when we were in Brownies and other associated groups. There were a few that I realized I have collected over the past years from friends and ones that have simply caught my eye.

I've been able to add my unique stamp to our Christmas tree. In a few years I may be creating my own Christmas tree in a home that is not the one I grew up in. That thought made me a little bit lonely as well, but a bit content all at the same time. I am growing up and becoming more of the person that I was created to be. It's just one of those things that happens over the years that you get to trim the tree.

As for the loneliness . . . who knows? Maybe Santa has a special present in his sack for me this year!

Personal Or Just Personality?

I was attempting to figure out a dilemna today. How personal do I get to make my blog? With the knowledge that I have at least one ex boyfriend, one sibling and both parents reading my blog where do I have to draw the line with talking about my life? Do I get to talk only about the day to day things that don't really affect me, or can I talk about the life changing things? Can I open my feelings about different things up to discussion and possibly even concern? Can I write about something that I know may hurt someone who reads it? Can I say anything truly personal, or just show my personality?

In the time that I have spent turning this question over in my mind, I came to formulate another. How much of what I share with the people in my life I'm close with is personal? Is any of it, or is it simply my personality?

I don't get close to a lot of people because at this point in my life, they seem to have the nasty habit of leaving. Australia seems to be the continent that is drawing the majority of attention for the time being and for some who loves Ontario, that's pretty intimidating. It's also hard to judge how far people are willing to come into your life. Sometimes those who you think are close are simply waiting for an opportunity to run away and those who seem to be on the periphery of your vision are simply waiting for an invitation in.

However, none of that truly answers my question. How much of my life is personal and how much is personality? Maybe I'll have a good answer in the morning.

Hear the Christmas Story . . .

I have been to so many Christmas services and heard this story so many times in the past 19 years of my life. It's so easy to hear the story again and again, but there seems to a point where I stop listening. With multiple Christmas Eve services over the past five years, many coral services, multiple pageants, reading the passages, listening to the music, seeing all the nativity scenes it's easy to stop seeing the wonder in this incredible story.
The last time I felt really connected to the nativity story was when I was 14 years old. I was Mary and my best friend was Joseph at 16. That was the last time I had to be involved although Jim is still getting sucked into pageants at 21. He did make a really nice shepherd this morning, although not quite as good as when he was a sheep! As Mary that Christmas though, it was special to me. Mary would have been about that age when an angel appeared to her, telling her she was going to have a child. I would have had a heart attack if anything similar had happened to me. I still probably would now too even though I'm five years older and wiser. For any teenager to have the amount of courage that Mary did that first Christmas long ago is amazing and not something that I could emulate.
Since then I haven't really heard or listened to what is said at all the services. This year though, I think I need to try again. To hear the story in a new way with all the drama and mystery that really surrounds it. I need to hear the word of God in this magical Christmas tale.

Family and Friends . . .

I was listening to Stuart McLean's Vinyl Cafe on the way home from church today and, as always, there was a very good message to the story that was being told.
Mary Turlington is hosting Christmas dinner for the first time without her sister being there. She is understandably upset by this and so Dave and Morley are invited over by her husband. The result is something similar to the Griswald's Christmas Vacation. For those of you who haven't seen this classic Christmas film, that means a complete and utter disaster with a happy ending.
Mary is talking to her husband after everyone has left and all the fires have been put out and he says "Family and friends, they sure do make a mess of things." Mary replies, "Yes they certainly do."
Although this may always seem to be the case, most especially around Christmas time, it is these people who have made themselves so precious in our lives, those who cause stress and create chaos that make Christmas what it is. They make it worth the stress and fighting for a parking spot to get that last perfect gift and the exhaustion that inevitably sets in as soon as all the presents are open and the floor is strewn with wrapping paper. It is because of these people that we all come home for Christmas.

Born 5 Decades Too Late . . .

I was born five decades too late.
This was determined as I was sitting in Father Bill's office (which seems to be my most likely haunt) listening to jazz music in an attempt to purge Handel, Haydn and Mozart from my brain.
Not only was the best music written at this time, but life had a romance to it that fails to exist now. Dancing in tails and long ball gowns to the crooning voice of Frank Sinatra, listening to Tommy Dorsey's orchestra play on the radio, writing letters to pen pals in far off places. Relationships were harder, but they must have been worth it because those who married in the war are the ones who have stayed together for the most part. Now love is cheap and relationships will always have another chance to come around. There is no feeling that you need to seize the day and take the chance because you still have tomorrow.
Maybe I don't need to live five decades ago. Maybe I just need to learn to create my own romance and live each day to the fullest.
It would be really nice to dance under the stars though . . .

Life Changing Events

"Life is not about finding yourself. It's about creating yourself."
In the past few weeks I have drastically changes the course of my life and I continue to go on changing it.
There are a small number of things that I refuse to change in my life. My time with my family, my Christmas traditions, my music and my passion for life. I still want to travel, although it's not such an important thing in my life anymore.
I home for the holidays now. It feels strange and I feel some level of regression when I get home. I get to feel like a little kid again. There was a bubble popping competition between my sister and I and some Finding Nemo lines that were thrown around. The car ride home with my dad was fun as he was questioning me about someone who I met recently. I haven't had time to spend with my mom yet, but I really can't wait for that.
My brain still seems incapable of shutting itself off right now which means I'm going to be really productive right now. I think I can get most of the readings done for my European history tutorial. Hopefully I can get something or someone out of my head.

Snow Day!

We had a snow day yesterday! I never thought that I was going to get a snow day when in university, but apparently four feet of snow does seem to have a way of shutting the city down. I'm not complaining at all because I got to spend the day pretending to study, playing in the snow and watching chick flicks with my best friend. The first one we watched actually had the best line in it. For those who have seen "What a Girl Wants" you should know this one.
"Why do you try so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out?" I think I need a reminder of that every once in awhile, although admittedly, the fuzzy blue slippers and spontaneity that seem to now characterize my life do not seem to lend themselves to fitting it. Oh well!

I also realized how truly thankful I am to have a family like the one I do. This chick flick is about a daughter's relationship with her father and I realized that mine is really good with my dad. He's totally the one I could take off with for a day and go exploring a city. Actually, I might get the chance to do that this summer!

The snow day also allowed me to have a grand adventure with my best friend as we decided we really wanted to go to Chaucers, which is one of the few pubs we actually drink at in this city. The only problem with this is that we have no snow shovel at our house (hopefully a situation to remedied soon) and we cannot see Sarah's car at all. The buses were also not running which had been our original plan. So in the spirit of being a university student, we decided to walk. We only mildly regret this choice when it hurts to move this morning, but the hour and forty-five minute walk there was totally worth it! It goes down as the most epic thing that has been done yet this year.

All in all, I think snow days are great and that we should have more of them. Just maybe not during exams . . .

Snowball fight anyone?

Walking in a winter wonderland . . .
That seems to be the line that best describes my mood today. It's a beautiful clear day with the occasional snow fall that has begun to pile on the ground. That means I get to have a snowball fight soon. I'm not really sure with who, but with someone. I also really want to walk through Victoria Park and see all the lights when there is snow on the ground. Simply too beautiful to pass up.
I wish I didn't feel so trapped inside right now, attempting to study when I really want to play . . . but this will all be over in a week and then I can play as much as I want!
I'm really excited about going home soon, but I'm also really sad. I'm leaving some really good friends here who don't feel that same way I do about Christmas. Some people get to leave and others seem to get left behind. I almost wish I could stay so that wouldn't happen. I would miss home far too much though. And I get to have snowball fights when I get home! Just not with my sister! :)

Finding My Vocation . . .

A wise man once told me that "Your vocation is where your greatest joy meets the world's greatest need." I can say with a fair degree of certainty that he knows exactly what he's talking about.
I used to be the person that had her life planned out with a fair degree of certainty. This is what it was. Music education undergrad, find a fiancee, teachers college, get married by 25, have kids by thirty, and then go back and get my Masters in Divinity.
How quickly plans can change. Today I switched my major to music history and not music education. I am never going to teach in a classroom. I refuse. I'm also very indifferent to the whole finding a fiancee before I graduate situation. When God has found the right guy for me, he'll be a part of my life. And if kids are never a part of my life, I will be sad, but I think I'll be able to survive. I want to do my Masters in sacred music at Notre Dame now. That however, is solely in God's hands now. I have very little to do with it.
I've learned quite a few things today. In no particular order . .
1. The ground really is slippery when wet.
2. Heels are not a good idea in the winter.
3. I can get ready for semi casual in less then ten minutes when there is no one bothering me.
4. God laughs when you tell him your plans.
5. Friends are the ones who worry about you when you over committ yourself . . . again! But there also there to catch you when you fall.
6. Life never gives you more than you can handle.
7. I really need to learn how to say no!
8. Although I may never teach music in a classroom, I will be a music teacher for the rest of my life.

Christmas is coming!

I know that Christmas is coming for three very important reasons.
1. The Carol Service at Huron College last night. It really means that Christmas is coming for me despite the fact that I spend much of the service worrying about playing and then the rest of it recovering from playing. It was absolutely there last night and I'm tempted to say magical. The bishop showed up to do the last reading and I went out with a great group after the service to blow off some steam I think.
2. Tuba Christmas! This is when the whole of the music faculty is crowded into the music lobby and we sing Christmas carols, first to the accompaniment of the tubas and then to Scrooge, one of the most talented men that I have ever met. It was really fantastic and nice to see all of the red hats that come out for this day.
3. Semi-Casual. This will happen tonight which I'm currently trying to make myself look spectacular for, but that may or may not happen in the next two hours. I feel like I have too many other important things to do to worry about that too much.
All these things and the fact that there is finally a little bit of snow on the ground mean that Christmas is indeed on it's way.
If only there was a way to make it come faster . . . .

Crazy Conductors . . .

And the best concert yet!
I wasn't originally looking forward to coming home from London to play one concert and then having to go back to school, but it was the best time of my life! It was one of those days that reminded me why I'm doing what I do. I've had a fews times like that this semester. The UWOSO concert last Sunday, the Crumb madrigal class that I agreed to take on, and every TYWO event that I agree to do.
TYWO is the only group I play with that my conductor will stick his tongue out at me and I'm free to do the same thing back. It's one of the few places that most people know my name, and if they don't, Colin will be quick to tell them in the most embarassing way possible. Most importantly, it's one of the few places that I truly feel at home.
Thanks to the crazy conductor and the last minute music that lets me know that I'm really home!

A New Way to Breathe . . .

Breathe in peace
Breathe out war

Breathe in love
Breathe out hatred

Breathe in calm
Breathe out stress

Breathe in healing
Breathe out sickness

Breathe in light
Breathe out dark

Breathe in joy
Breathe out sorrow

Breathe in fullness of life
Breathe out pettiness

Breathe in life . . .