Returning to High School

I had to pick up my sister at high school today. I really wanted to leave as soon as I got there. There was something about just being there that reminded me of the years I spent there. The feelings of inferiority returned and I experienced all the things I had felt another time. I want to know, when does that stop?

It is strange how simple things can bring back so many feelings. A scent of someone you remember, a song that was playing at a certain moment or returning to a school that you have left behind.

I don't like the feelings that came back to me. I don't like being reminded of all the things I felt while I was in school. After I left, I was able to remember the good memories that I have from the four years I spent there. I was able to remember what it felt like to play a great concert, to have a great class or do really well on a test. I also was able to look back at the things that happened with a critical eye and wonder why I thought some things were so important. Things that were so important then are not now. And the things I thought would never matter to me do. More than that, they determine my life.

In returning to high school, I was able to remember feelings from other things that were not necessarily from that time. The good and the bad. The strangest part about this was my ability to see it as though it was not my life.

I'm reading a book by Paul Coelho right now about obsession and the quest for something. He learns in his quest to let his history go. I feel as though I've gotten to a similar point in my life. I can look at my history with a critical eye and see what was good for me and what was not. I don't regret what has happened in my life, even though I know much of it was not healthy or nurturing. I am a product of my past, but I am the creator of my future.

In returning to high school, I felt terrible. Now that I have had the time to look at it though, I feel free.