Accepting Acceptance

There are a great deal of things in the world that we find hard to accept. The fact that bad things happen to good people seems to be at the top of the list. The meaningless wars, the stupid politicians and the problems we seem so unable to solve. We refuse to accept things we know are happening, such as global warming, because we feel so insignificant in the face of such a threat. We don't accept a great many things because we don't feel as though we are able to deal with them. But there is something even greater that we seem to be unable to accept in our own lives. Acceptance.

We find it hard to believe that someone would like us and love us exactly as we are. We have convinced ourselves that if our friends knew something from our past that we choose to hide, then they would no longer love us. If they knew we found it hard to be so perfect or do everything or that we don't really like going out partying all the time. If they knew we struggled with our body image, cheated on tests, had no idea what we really wanted to with our lives, then we would be insignificant and unworthy. For some, perhaps this is true. For most, it is not.

Most friends will not walk away from you when you tell them you have had an eating disorder in your life and that you still struggle with eating on a regular basis. They won't hate you because you don't know what you want to do after you finish school. They won't think any less of you if they knew the truth about the skeleton you keep in your closet who sometimes raises his bony finger to point out at you and remind you of who you once were. They won't walk away. They will still love you. Most importantly, they will still accept you.

It is hard to realize that we are loved for who we are. It gives us less to hide behind and less reason to hide. We don't have to use the excuse that we need to lose a few more pounds for people to really love us, or not telling a friend about something that's haunting us because they will leave. Unconditional acceptance is hard to understand because it means that we have to accept that we are indeed good enough. We are worthy for someone to love. We have the right to say that we are good enough and not think that we are terrible and have something to hide.

The job I have can be hard some days. It's made even harder by the fact that I think I have to be perfect to be loved here. I don't. I will make mistakes and I will be forgiven for them. Likewise, I will forgive others for things that happen to me. I have to realize that my acceptance here does not rest on the premise that I am perfect. It actually rests on the fact that I am human, totally and completely. It rests on the fact that I need to be loved and welcomed and celebrated in my life as much as those around me. I may feel much less worthy of such an honour, but I do deserve it. I am someone who is worth accepting and that is hard to accept.

I don't see the places of me that are good enough to be loved. I see the dark places, the shadows and the secrets. I see what I have hidden and what I continue to hide. I see the hurt and the pain. It's easy to ignore the joy, the beauty and the promise when you can see these things so clearly. I can't see the reasons why those around me accept me and even love me. I don't understand it at all, but I am thankful for it every single day. I'm learning to accept more and more that I am worthy to have people love me. I'm learning to accept the acceptance of me. Not who I want to be or who I will be, but me. Who I am right here and right now. With all my imperfections and flaws. They are all there and they are all seen. And I am loved and accepted anyways.