Where Are You Christmas?

I'm sitting in my apartment, looking out the window watching the snow. There are only nine days left until Christmas, but for some reason, it doesn't completely feel like Christmas for me and I don't know why. I've done Christmas concerts and bought presents that are wrapped and waiting under the tree. There is more snow piling up even now. My room is draped in Christmas lights and there is Christmas music playing, but something is missing. I wish I knew what.

There are very few holidays that I am in a relationship and fewer still that I actually get to spend with the significant others who have been a part of my life. I've resigned myself to the fact that I won't be in someone's arms on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day and that there will be no one to kiss me at midnight to ring in the New Year. Those things don't mean that no one cares for me, but that I will physically be alone then. I've made peace with that, so I know that is not effecting my Christmas spirit.

I still have two exams to write, lots of driving and a few rehearsals before I get to celebrate Christmas, but this is also not an unusual occurrence in my life. I am, after all, a musician. Busy just seems to be what the Christmas season is all about. Perhaps that is why I seem to have lost some of the spirit.

I know that I am getting older and my world is changing in many ways. I wish that didn't mean Christmas had to change for me too. I am not the same one I used to be and time has changed me. I am not who I was when I began university almost three years ago and nor do I want to be. I have changed and who I was is not who I am. Who I am is not who I'm going to be. There are aspects of my personality that I will always cling to, mostly my legendary Irish stubbornness that I swear is genetic, but to remain the same is to place on foot in the grave. I have the energy to change and grow and to chase my dreams now. I won't be able to for the rest of my life.

Christmas has changed for me as I have gotten older as well, although I really don't want it to. The season has become the busiest of my life. With the number of services I attend and participate in, the running joke is that I am in training to become clergy. Although I don't think that is a path planned for me, I will always be quite close to that way of life. Even without the many services I am at, there are still parties to attend, people to see, presents to have wrapped under the tree and most especially, cookies to bake. There are days when the extended family will descend on my house and chaos will reign. I am also horrible at relaxing, another genetic trait that I am not sure I will ever entirely let go of.

My wish list has also changed as I have grown older. In place of Barbie dolls and new toys, there are practical things that can and will be used for a long time to come. More important than things for myself, I want the idealist wishes that so many make. World peace, enough food to feed everyone, clean water, justice for those who are pushed aside, a loving home for every child. I realize that Christmas will not bring what my heart desires for those around me, but it does act as a reminder that I must do all that is within my power to ensure the future does hold those things, at least for some.

As the snow falls so beautifully outside of my window, I know there are people living on the street struggling to keep warm. I know that the greatest present some child will receive this year will be enough to eat. I know there are homes where kind words and gentle actions are in short supply, and I know that nothing I can do will ever erase all the hurt they cause. I know there are those who are seen as not good enough by society because they are different and all I do is simply a drop in the ocean. Regardless of how important that drop is to those it touches, it will never be enough for all.

Christmas is not a season of joy for all. It is, however, a season of hope. It comes in the darkest point of the year, when the days are short and the nights are long, to remind us that there is light. For much of the year, the light may seem to be only a glimmer in the distance, but for one month out of the year, people take more time to reach out to those in need around them. There is more joy in the lives of many, although it may be a harried joy. Life does not become perfect by any means. There are still those looking for enough to eat and those struggling to keep warm. There is a reminder though that we are called to reach out to those who are in need and share some of our abundance.

If we were able to treat every day as Christmas, if we were able to be hopeful every day of our lives, if we held Christmas in our hearts, the world would be a better place. Maybe that's where I should look to find the Christmas I so deeply desire. Not in the snow that is falling, or the lights, or the cookies, although those are marvelous parts of the season as well. Maybe the place I need to look is not outside of myself, but inside.