For Once In My Life

My mother has done an incredible job raising two daughters. She has taught us both grace and poise, that being loving and kind is more important than being right and that fighting for true justice is always worth it. The one thing that my sister and I have not learned very well is how to stand up for ourselves and be willing to demand what it is that we want. We're good at it when it comes in a family context, such as getting the car for the night, but we appear to be incapable of doing so in the "real world."

There have been very few things in my life that I have been willing to demand. There have been things worth fighting for that I haven't and a few things I should have let go sooner. I don't know if it is simply the fact that I have gotten older and can now fight for what I want simply because I know what I want, or it I am now simply willing to fight. Perhaps it is a little bit of both.

It feels strange, after so many years of having dreams and making plans that only lead to disappointment to stop making specific plans. I've realized that I get hung up on the details and when they fail, I tend to give up on the bigger picture. The reality in life is that the details don't always work and that plans sometimes do fall through. That doesn't mean that someone loves you less, or that they don't care. Life simply is not always big enough to accommodate the details and plans we are determined to press on it. Life is however more than big enough to deal with the important big thing, so long as we do not get caught up in all the details.

I am, admittedly, a detail person. I can very easily get caught up in completing tasks and trying to please everyone. Over the past two years, I have had to learn to let go of some of the details. I can't be everything to everyone and it only hurts me when I try to be. I have begun to see the bigger picture and I'm sure those who have to with me are thankful for that. I still see the details and to a certain extent, they are still important to me. I have learned though, that the details are not what are worth fighting for. I know what is.

For once in my life, not only do I know what I want, but I've found it. And I am willing to fight for it.