Clinging to the Moments

It is the first day of August and I cannot help but wish it was only the first day of May. This desire is not only a desire to not go back to school which afflicts many at this time of the summer, but a desire to stay where I'm living right now.

Over the summer, I don't have a job. I have a very different life from what I lead while at school, and I love it. I love the challenges and the joys. I love the little things and the big things. I love being a part of birthday celebrations and even the bad days. It is all worth it, no matter how hard it can be.

I don't want to leave in September. If I had a better option than returning to school, such as staying at L'Arche, I would take it and not finish my degree. Since that's not really an option, I am returning to school and coming back as often as possible to be with one of my families.

The countdown has begun until I leave. I have 31 more mornings and nights to spend here. In that time, there will be a blessing, two birthdays and a good bye party. There will be good days and bad days. There will be some drama, possibly a first date and much laughter. There will be glasses of wine on the porch or in the basement, conversations about music, more Christmas music and learning about new recipes. There will be some nights for coffee out and some nights to stay in. In all of these, I am clinging to each one.

Last summer when I left, I didn't cling to the moments as I am doing now. I had little idea of what I was leaving behind at the time and thought I would be able to leave easily. I was unaware of how attached I was at the time when I returned to school. This time, I'm not.

When I returned at the beginning of the summer, I cried because I was so thankful to be back. I clung to the moments then as I am clinging to them now. Everything I do, I'm aware that it could be the last time I have the chance to do it for a long time. I went out with one of the men I live with for ice cream last night. It was the best night I've had in a long time. It is moments and times like that that I'm clinging to with all of my heart right now. When I do leave, these are the memories that will sustain me and support me through the moments that I don't want to be in school anymore.

While I still have 31 days left, I am clinging to every moment as though it will be the last, although I know it won't. It won't be the last time I drive people to work, or cook dinner or make breakfast. Those things will always be a part of my life whether I am aware of them or not. I will always carry them with me.