Deliberate Vulnerability

This evening there was an interesting topic at worship. It was the idea of prayer and how to pray. I will be the first to admit that I don't pray out loud. I was raised in a tradition that that is just not what you did. There were different ways to pray and they were more acceptable. Those who prayed out loud were different. They were the ones always called upon to say grace when there's a gathering and mostly those who were in ministry.

Prayer brings you to a very vulnerable place. It is a place where you open your heart and simply be yourself. Pretending to be someone else when you pray really does nothing good at all. You have to come simply as you are, with whatever mistakes or successes that you have had. It is when you come with all of these that you place yourself in a deliberately vulnerable position.

It's hard to make yourself so vulnerable in front of anyone. Perhaps that is why so many people shy away from the idea of praying out loud. They are frightened of letting themselves be that open in front of someone else because they can sense how much they can be hurt at that moment.

Much of society is harder than it should be. People can be very judgmental and use what is seen as vulnerability to hurt. I don't know exactly when we started to distrust each other, but it has happened. It has happened more and more when children are taught that all strangers are bad and they should never be out of a parent's eye sight. Society has become an entity that takes over vulnerability and makes it into something horrible and weak. It's not though.

To become vulnerable takes true strength. Letting someone get close and trusting them to not hurt you is an unusual experience. It takes someone strong enough to know that they can survive being hurt and also strong enough to trust that they won't be.

I will admit that I still have problems with the whole idea of praying out loud. Despite the fact that my house prays every night after dinner, there is very little in the prayer that can be considered truly close to my heart. I do honestly mean my petitions for safety and health, but there is so much more that only gets said in the silence and the space of my own heart. I have started to pray with someone who is very close to me, but I still have problems coming to the vulnerable place in my life with him. I've become so used to putting up walls in my life to protect myself, but now I am taking them down. It's partially the community in which I live, but also the fact that I now want to. I want to be able to simply trust someone and not worry about being hurt like I can do here. I like the idea of being vulnerable and seeking that state of being.

Vulnerability is hard. Deliberate vulnerability is even harder. It's harder and it can hurt more, but it is worth it to open yourself up to the healing power of those who surround you. That's something I'm learning more and more every day.