How We See and How We Are Seen

I was reading an interesting book recently. I realize that this will be a shocking piece of information for many, but take a deep breath and keep reading. This book was about how saints have found happiness in their lives. It was the guidebook from the lives of those who are seen to be exceptional in what is sometimes an incredibly exceptional world.

One of the saints who was listed in the book was Henri Nouwen. Henri Nouwen was a Dutch priest, prolific writer and great spiritual leader. That's not how I came to know him though.

Henri lived in the same community that is now a part of my life. He was just here many years before I was. When you first mention his name, what you hear spoken about him will not lead you to think of him as a famous writer or someone who is revered across many continents. When he came here, he thought that this community was so lucky to have him. They should feel flattered that someone of his standing would want to come into the community here. What he learned though is that he was just as lucky to have found them.

In talking to some of the core members, you don't hear of Henri as a great writer. One of the core members will be quick to tell you that Henri took care of his brother and it's true. For many years Henri walked through life's pathways with a man named Adam. Adam was truly exceptional in so many ways and mostly in the ways that the world would overlook him. Adam could not walk, or talk. He was not able to feed himself or dress himself. What Henri discovered though, is that Adam was capable of loving more gently, more deeply and more truly than many of us will ever be able to.

For Adam, Henri could not have been a great spiritual writer or someone of international renowned. Henri was simply someone who was willing to share life with Adam. For those who do not read, who are not aware of the news and the idea of fame, life becomes a lot simpler and you are forced to live in a more authentic way.

When I first came to the community, I had some ideas of grandeur about myself. I had survived my first year at university as the only harpist at a very good music school and I was proud of myself. I was heading off to play at Carnegie Hall, which still remains one of the greatest moments in my life, but not the best. When I came here, I was forced to put some of my ideas of myself aside.

The fact that I was a musician was definitely important as I began my journey through a series of regular and yet incredibly extraordinary days here. It was important in ways that I wasn't expecting though. It was important only on the levels that it called those around me to engage in music with me. It was only when I sent an invitation out to join in or simply sit and enjoy while I made music for someone other than myself that my music made a difference.

Over the past two years I have become increasingly disconnected from a music that was once my entire life. What was once so important simply for myself has become important only in the context of others. Instead of being the musician I once saw myself being, I seem to be heading in the direction of music therapy. It's a good thing in my life and I enjoy the idea. I'm not so sure if the reality will be the same, but there is always time to change.

How I saw myself when I arrived was someone who had something to give. How I was seen was as someone who had something to learn and something to gain.

I have left much of the person I was when I first entered into community behind me and allowed myself to be changed by the incredible love that is offered every time someone makes sure I will come back from my time away or call for a birthday. Every morning when there is a smile waiting for me, I know that I am in the right place and don't regret my choice, even when I can feel exceedingly tired or sick.

I have learned that how I am seen is not how I see myself and that is a good thing. I am more than what I see. My flaws are highlighted when I look at my life and I often fail to see the redeeming factors of myself. I also forget to see the parts of my life that need to be healed. Coming to community has shown me that those places in my life can be seen more often by those who are not me. They can see with more clarity and also have the opportunity to offer the healing that I need.

How I am seen here is very different from every other place in the world. When I am here, I am everything that I can possibly be. It is exhausting and completely exhilarating. And I know that I am more authentically me than I ever have been before.