Going Out With Joy

Coming from a church tradition of the Presbyterians, I am unaccustomed to praying out loud, or hearing others do so. This has changed drastically since I have entered community life.

In the worship that takes place every Friday night, the prayers of the people truly are the prayers of the people. There is an invitation to share the concerns of the heart from those who are at the heart of our community. The most incredible part of of these prayers is the very real, day to day quality of them. They are prayers for help and support from and for those who are closest in relationship. The prayer that touched my heart the most this past Friday was that of a two year assistant who is now leaving.

Many assistants are beginning to make their way back to civilian life outside of the loving and supportive community we create every day. The prayer of the assistant who is now leaving was to have the ability to go out with joy.

Her prayer is one I should adopt. Instead of praying for the strength to leave with joy, I am praying for the ability to stay and live in community. The countdown of my days still continues and I cling more desperately to every moment. The quiet pancake Saturday mornings, worshipping together, creating music, being in the kitchen as a group. The moments that sustains me as I live with a different kind of family for the summer.

The dread of going back to school threatens to overwhlem me at many parts of my day. I find little joy in the idea of going out into a larger, mostly indifferent community. It's hard to feel so excited or joyful about going back to a place where people are less vocal about caring for each other, a place where a hand is extended less readily and little things get ignored.

When I was deciding whether or not I would stay here for the year, I spoke to a lot of people. One of the most important person to speak to when it came to making my decision was my priest. I spoke about how hard it was for me to go back to life outside the community. His reply was that perhaps it is my mission to bring the joy back with me, to share community with those around me.

The love, joy and openness that enters into my life when I am in community is incredible. There is so much here that depends on the people who live my life with me. They call me to be joyful, to be childlike and to be more genuinely me. I know who I am when I am here. I know more than I thought I would know at this point in my life. What I know now is that I have to leave and I have to leave in ten days. I don't want to, but there are so many things that I can take with me. I can take part of the joy that I have gained here out with me and perhaps that is the point of me coming for the summer. To be able to take joy out to those around me. Many of them may not be able to understand what I have lived or why it is so incredible in my life. They can't understand it because they haven't lived what I have. And that is the only way to understand what I have in my life is to gain the same thing, which is hard when you live in university.

So however I may feel about leaving, I will go out with joy whether I know it or not. I can go back with joy and allow others around me to feel the joy.