The 'What If' Game

I don't play sports. Ever. Please don't ask me to try. It never really ends well. That being said, there are a few games I could easily earn gold medals in should they ever be made Olympic sports. One is the worrying game. I am a first class worrier. The category of worrying that I exceed at is the 'What If' game.

We live in a world of possibilities. Every new day comes with new joys and new sorrows and it is always up to us how we react to them.

I can't recall exactly when I began to play this game. Given how I look at the world, it was probably early. I think the most vivid memories of questions I have in my life are the ones that develop from school and school related things. The biggest question for me has always been what if people don't like me? It's interesting to see what questions change and which ones don't. That one never goes away regardless of where I am. It's a stupid worry, and I think I'm getting that idea slowly, but it still never goes away. It's astonishing that no matter how much we grow up that our worries never change. No matter how accomplished we are, how successful we are, we still worry that no one will want to be with us.

The what-ifs have begun to take over my life at this point. And they have changed so much from the what-ifs I used to have. I used to worry what would happen if I never found someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Now I worry about what will happen if I do. What will I be willing to give up and what will I not be able to do? I wondered what would happen if I never had a career and now I want to know what will happen if I ever do. I don't think I want a career. I want a life. I also want my worrying to stop. Seriously, it has to stop.

I've become frozen in my life because I want to know what happens next. I also want to go back and have the chance to make the other choice. I don't get to do that though. I don't get to go back and I also don't get to see ahead. I get to live now. And it doesn't matter how much I play the game. The game doesn't change my life. All it does is worry me and never changes the outcome of anything.

Worry is not something that is healthy. It is something that we need to control in our lives. Maybe that means stop playing this game and perhaps it should. It's hard to let go of something that we have held onto for our whole lives and use as a crutch in order to avoid making other plans. We want to be able to see both sides of the story and we don't get to. So we play our games and we continue to worry, but it doesn't help. We only get one chance to live our lives and we do the best we can.