If You Can't Say Something Nice . . .

This is something I heard a lot growing up. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. I was most reminded of this saying when a friend of mine was hurt by comments left on his blog. When he mentioned this to me, I went and read the comments that had been left over the past few days. I was shocked by what people had left on what is a personal account of someone's life. I realize that it is easy sometimes to say something thoughtless and very hurtful to someone. It happens to me more often than I would like it to.

I wonder what it would be like to not say anything if it wasn't nice. A book a read has the premise for elves that they can not say anything unless it is true. I'm not entirely sure how much I would like a world like that. There can always be a difference between being truthful and blunt and truthful and kind. Sometimes the easiest way to be kind is to lie though. I don't do it often, but it can be useful, more often than someone just asking if you think their hair looks nice. I wonder if that makes it right though. By making something nice, by making something less hurtful, we are capable of making a truth into a lie. When we make something nice, something we think is easier for someone else to understand or deal with, we begin to lie to them. Perhaps to both ourselves and them. We deceive ourselves into thinking that what we do is for the best, when it can be just the opposite. What we see as the best at the moment, is not always what is right.

Maybe lying is alright, so long as it's nice. Maybe it's not. That's not something I've been able to figure out yet. I have in the past changed the truth to make it sound nice. I have also been totally blunt, a habit I have adopted from my housemate. She tends to be very blunt, even when it hurts the person she is talking to. I admire that in her, but I can't emulate it. I will willingly lie if I think it saves hurting someone else. It's easiest to say something nice somedays when a lie is appropriate.

How far is ok to take always saying something nice? And why don't we choose to more often when it's so easy? Instead of reacting to what someone says with anger or judgement, we should try to say something nice. Even when it means choking back our intial reaction and not saying what we want to say until we can find a way to say it nicely.