Acknowledging Loss

Something that I have become much more aware of during my time in community is how constant change is. Sometimes the change is good, and sometimes it is bad. Sometimes the change is forced and sometimes it is chosen. The one constant with change is that there is always a loss.

Over the past few years there have been many losses in the community. There has been the perennial loss of assistants as they return to where they came from, although they also leave changed, marked by the experience of what they have lived. There have been the loss of core members who have come and had to leave because they could not find their place here. The final loss of many in death has been the most heart breaking in the community. There is very little time allotted for mourning by government regulations before someone new is sent to fill the void left by a life that was treasured and meaningful here. All arrivals here are marred by the fact that they also represent the loss of someone else who was loved and cherished, if only for a short while.

Beyond the losses that I and many others have had to come to grips with within our community, there have also been and continue to be personal losses. Within my own family, I have come to realize that things are not always as they appear and the loss of naivete and the belief that love will always be able to solve everything has been a blow to me. While many people may see this as a normal part of growing up and becoming aware of more things, I prefer the world when it has a rose coloured tint to it. My sister went away for the summer and came back changed from what she had lived and experienced in the developing world. While I rejoice for the woman that she has become and continues to become, I also mourn for the younger sister who she is not any longer. She has grown up and I suppose that I really wanted her to stay little for a long time.

I have also realized that while I prepare for the greatest adventure of my life, there will also be loss involved in that. I am moving to a place where I don't have a support system, nor do I have something that fuels my passion for life. I will be leaving behind my family, my friends and my community. I will be able to be with the man I love, but there are also many losses for me. To be blind to what I am leaving would not be useful on many levels.

Living where I have for so long had made me so aware of the many stages of life that are a normal part of everyday living. The grief, joy, happiness and fear are all important and all deserve to be acknowledged for what they are. When they are ignored or pushed aside simply because they are emotions and lacking in importance denies part of a life. It is difficult to acknowledge loss because in the society we live in we are only supposed to gain. To acknowledge that we have lost something, to reflect on that fact, can mean that we have somehow failed. We have failed to keep someone alive, we have failed to make the right choice, we have failed to save the world. The reality is that life means loss. The acknowledge that does not mean that we have failed. It only allows us to become more fully human.