Not Running

We are a society that finds its optimum operating speed to be fast, mostly at a running speed. Despite the fact that actually watching me run is a painful experience, I tend to operate at a similar speed. There are always two options for what we do with out optimum speed. We either run to something, or we run away from something. And we are really good at both.

When we're running towards something, it always seems to be something we are so sure we can't live without. A new house, a new car, a better job, more money, more power, more prestige. These are the things we have placed the highest value on. We spend so many hours a week pursuing these things that, at the end of the day, are really not that important. The length of our work weeks has gone up, as have the number of stress related disorders. We focus so hard on getting to a specific place as fast as we can that not only do we now stop to smell the roses, we don't even notice they are there. Our tunnel vision can sometimes become so great that the edges of our life fall under a blackout and we only have one thing left. Our drive to succeed.

It's really hard to not do this, to not assume that our own ambitions are the most important. It is difficult to slow down from our highest speed, and slow down enough to really see and appreciate thsoe around us. It can be so hard to not put ourselves first and integrate the lives of others into ours. The black spots eventually disappear and when this happens, the goal seems a lot less important and the journey is a lot more enjoyable.

The other direction we run is away. We run away from responsibility of any kind. We run away from love and the possibility of intimacy. We are a strange society. We bemoan the lack or the depth of relationships in our lives, but when a caring, loving, intimate relationship comes along, we think it must be too good to be true. Soemtimes it is, and it is these situations we hold as the template for how every relationship should function. And so we run. We run away from the possibility that we may find a great relationship that we can make work. Because if we do find a relationship, we would have no idea what to do with it. Soemtimes it's easier to be alone than risk screwing up and losing a good thing. It can be worth it though. We may lose what we have, but we may get to keep it. And what we gain is worth the risk of losing it.

I will be the first to admit that I've become very good at running over the past few years. I've always had a goal and focused specifically on that. Over the past few months my goals have shifted and partially disappeared. They're still there, but they aren't my focus. I know that eventually I want to be somewhere that isn't where I am right now. I just refuse to risk to get there fast. There are so many incredible things in my life - experiences, relationships, events, foreign cities I will never get to see if I rush. And I want to see it all.

Sadly, I've also become good at bolting away from relationships. I really don't let a lot of people get close to me. But I'm not avoiding relationships anymore. Or at least I'm trying not to. Relationships are another kind of responsibility that is very hard to deal with. But it's the best kind of responsibility. The hardest, but definitely the best. I'm not running so hard anymore. Occassionally the odd initial sprint away from something that seems too serious, but I'm not running anymore. And I'm learning that it's worth it. It really is.