Telling Titles

Titles are used so often in life. Perhaps it's because we find them easier than getting into a long discussion about what is really going on, or we just like things to appear simpler.

Titles tell a lot about us whether we want them to or not. We have titles for the job that we do, for our marital status, and for our health. We title things that shouldn't necessarily require a title such as our sexuality. Regardless of the value we place on titles, we have them forced on us some days. We can either accept these titles or accept that they will always chafe and confine us in ways we don't want them to.

The titles we are given come with responsibilities that we are sometimes unwilling to accept or unable to see ourselves with. Last night, I was talking with a friend and said that my boyfriend would be back in three days. My friend asked if it felt great to say that, that my boyfriend would be back. To my surprise (well, not really) I said that it didn't. This is not because I don't love the relationship I'm in. I do and I can't wait for him to get back from vacation. It's the title I don't like. I have someone to talk to at the end of the day and someone who wants to be with me. And that's really special. I just don't like the title. It makes what I have feel very high school and less important than it is to me. I also don't like the implication that I'm a girlfriend. That title always makes me feel like the ditsy girl from high school who wants to spend all her time with her boyfriend and always makes sure she looks perfect for him. That is not the relationship I have on any level. I don't always get to act like part of a couple and some days I feel more independent than I did before this relationship.

I'm not sure if I make a very girlfriend either. I am independent and I like the life that I have or had I suppose. I want some one to share my life with, not just for a few weeks or months, but someone who wants to be with me and share parts of my life. Partner may be a better term, but someone pointed out to me that's very ambiguous and not as clear. I don't particularly care. My relationship should not be defined by the terms others set on it. It's not theirs to define, but mine. Or ours I suppose.

Beyond the titles that are commonly used such as girlfriend/boyfriend, doctor, cook, there are government and social titles that I take issue with. I work with those who are considered to be developmentally disabled. For anyone who has never lived with them, I suppose this term seems to work. For those who have, you know that this doesn't even begin to explain the lives that are lived.

The titles that are used by the government especially are defined by what people are unable to do. Those who I live with can't do a great deal of things. They can't cook their own meals, they can't drive, and some of them require help bathing. There are physical limitations to their lives that they have learned to live with. This doesn't define them though.

Before I came here, without being aware of it, I could have been called emotionally disabled. I was afraid to care in case I got hurt. I was afraid to invite people into my life because that was scary and would leave me vulnerable. Some days my old fears still threaten to overwhelm me and it's scary. The people I live with have taught me to let go of that. They welcome new people into their home and their lives every year. They know how to say goodbye when people choose to leave without it hurting too much for them. They can share their laughter openly and also their sorrows. They share every part of their lives, their hopes and their dreams without being afraid of being told that they're not good enough. They open their lives to accept others and show that we are worthy of being accepted.

These people will never be able to run for public office, or win multi-million dollar court cases. They will never have children or climb Mount Everest. Many of them will stay close to the community they have become such an integral part of. While there is a long list of things that they will never be able to do, I still can't see them as disabled. They have taught me more in the total of six months that I have lived here and the months that I haven't than I have learned in two years of university classes. I have learned how to open my heart to those who need it and even those who may hurt me. I'm less afraid than I was two years ago and I continue to grow in this place that accepts me, even with all of my disabilities.

The biggest problem I have with people using disabled is that people are defined by what they can't do. I can't do a lot of things as well, but I'm not defined in that way because of my genetics. There is nothing physically to stop me from doing anything, but I won't run for office or climb Everest. I won't be a rocket scientist or a famous musician. I will simply be me. And that's something that requires no title.