Scared of Sharing

There was an all assistants meeting this morning that I had to attend. I have to admit, I really enjoyed it. We all (or all of those who were there) shared how their year went. I felt a little out of place as I had not been in the group for the whole year. I'm a returning summer assistant who will return until the completion of my degree at which point I will take off to Europe.

I was the second person the share about my year and I wasn't really sure what to say or what not to. At the end of the sharing time I realized that I was scared. I was scared of sharing all the things that I've gone through this year and all the things I've felt. When we reached the end though, I wished that I had said more. I wish that I had opened myself to share with the people who are part of my community and a part of my life. I didn't take the chance then, but I will take the chance now.

This year there have been so many things in my life, many of them I didn't realize until after they happened or disappeared. The challenges in my life have mostly been returning to school. I spent most of the year piling too many things on my plate in order to not miss where I work. I didn't want to take the time to see that the relationships I create at university are only fulfilling on a few levels. I didn't want to see that I can't make relationships work because I didn't want them to work. So I buried and I ignored. The parts of my life that were life giving over the year were my friends and the L'Arche community in London that supported me. The thing the surprised me the most of the year was how much Daybreak got under my skin. I thought I would be able to leave without looking back too often, but I was wrong.

I don't get to leave this place that I have found. I will always be a part of this community in some way or another. My heart is here more than any other place regardless of whether I want it to be or not. I got to come back to a place that welcomes me and accepts me regardless of how many times I screw up (and I do). I'm now in a place where I want to make a relationship work. I think this is because there is support for me here. Well, mostly support. Sometimes teasing, but loving teasing. The community here is exactly that. A community. We are a group of individuals who have come together to make a common life together. I suppose that it had never occurred to me prior to today that belonging to community means that I have to share, some days whether I want to or not.

I don't get to have much of a personal life anymore. My free time is spent with the people who I work with, I sleep in the same house as those who I care for. I rarely get time to spend with those who are outside of the community I work in. My relationship is a part of this community as well. I had wanted to keep it personal and private for much longer than I got to, which was about 36 hours if that. Being scared of sharing really doesn't belong here. I suppose that's one more thing that I have to grow out of.