My Defining Feature

In three months, I will be married and moving away from all that I have grown up with and what I know. I will be leaving behind my vocation and my families. My address will change drastically and my new life will begin. In light of all the major changes that are a part of my life, I am beginning to wonder what it is that defines me. What makes me unique?

I used to think that being a musician was what defined me. My ability to play an instrument that very few people in the world play and the glory that that brought me was my defining feature for many years. For so many years that was what defined who I was. Now I have lost the power to create music in that way because of the stress it has put on my body. I have lived in chronic pain for 7 years and that has led to my choice to stop being a musician, at least in a professional capacity. I am learning to love the music that I used to before I began to study music. While I have lost what once was one of my most defining features I have been able to regain my love of what I had once lost.

Now, I am no longer certain of what defines me. Is it my role as a L'Arche assistant and caregiver? My role as friend or fiancee? The future role that I shall take on as the rector's wife of various parishes over a long lifetime? I am no longer certain. If I am defined by my vocation, than I should not be leaving it, but I am. I am not certain that I wish to be defined by the role of rector's wife that I am taking on. I am a bit of a feminist and I have no desire to be overshadowed by my husband's vocation. I have one of my own. Maybe I will be lucky enough to have two vocations. Not many are.

With all my confusion of what doesn't define me any longer, I have forgotten all the things that do. My love and joy of being with people, even when it is not the best day in the world. The fact that I love what I do more than anything else and that I will be heartbroken to leave here, even though I know I will carry it with me always. Perhaps that is what defines me. A heart for service full of L'Arche. Maybe that's it.