Purely Pacifist?

Over this past year a friend of mine and another acquaintance were posted in Afghanistan. For the past seven months my heart has stopped for a few seconds when I heard the words "another casualty in Afghanistan." They are now both back in Canada, thanks to thousands of prayers and much worry on the case of family and friends, and I have found that my heart still stops when I hear those words. 

A woman was killed recently in Afghanistan after being deployed there for only two weeks. She was too young to die. Of course, I tend to think that anyone who hasn't died in their beds surrounded by children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren has died too young, but she was not old enough to die. 

Before my friends were deployed to Afghanistan I would have said that there is no reason for anyone to participate in war. I have recently had to rethink the views that I once held. I never wanted to support any armed conflict, especially those that I have not yet been convinced that armed troops should be a part of. I needed to find a way in which I could both honor the choice my friends made and the principles which I hold dear. 

Over the past four months I have come to realize that I am not a pure pacifist. I can't be. Injustice, in any form, makes me so mad that nothing will get in my way to stop it. I will do whatever is in my power to make a positive difference in the world. Sometimes that means making lots of cookies to brighten someone's day who is doing a better job than I, or learning more about something that I wasn't aware was happening, or simply by remembering that tossing one starfish back into the sea makes a difference too. The reality of my life is that I cannot stand by and watch people suffer. I know some people who can and I am constantly impressed with their dedication to their principles. I do not have the same strength, no matter how much I may desire it. 

I may be a guilty pacifist. I know that I support actions that no pacifist would ever be able to support. I also cry over every life that is needlessly lost and those of you who know me will know that I mean that statement very literally. If it takes weapons to right a wrong, than that is what it takes and we cannot sit idly by and wait for things to sort themselves out. When did we decide that our lives are so much more important than those who live in different circumstances? Those who live in African nations die for want of food that we in North America throw away because we don't need it. There are women in the Middle East who cannot go outside without the accompaniment of a male relative while women in North America hold Fortune 500 jobs and travel wherever they desire to. There are large gaps between what there should be and what there is. War is not right, nor is it honorable. It is messy and lives are lost. But those who are committed to what they believe in make a difference. 

We may disagree about how things are supposed to be done and what is the proper procedure for making decisions such as when war is right, but the reality is there is no difference between the value of human life here and human life on the other side of the world. There is no difference between human rights, or quality of life. There is no difference between starving to death here out of choice or starving to death because when the choice between feeding your children and feeding yourself came around, your children won out. There are major injustices in the world that need to be addressed. There are gaps between what we are told and what we need to know. We may not always like the reality of turning on the TV or opening the newspaper and reading that there are more casualties of Canadian soldiers. I know that I don't. But what they are doing is something honorable. They are trying to make a difference in the world. And I will too. 

Springing Forward

I am aware that I am a weeks late to coincide with the time change of springing forward, but there have been a confluence of events in my life that seem to be throwing me forward into something that I thought I was ready for. Now I'm not so sure. 

I graduate university this year. For the past four years I have sweated, I have worked, I have worried and I have stressed over requirements for a degree that will now allow me to go back to school. For awhile I really did love what I was studying. Now I kind of wish that I decided to complete a history degree or a theology degree. The completion of my mostly useless degree in the field of music history that I no longer love means that I have to find something else to do. I have some idea of what I want to do. Actually I have more than that. I have a complex seven year plan for my life that I hope I will be able to fulfill. 

I'm getting married. There is nothing more exciting in my life right now than that thought. There is also nothing more terrifying. After getting married I will be moving to Saskatchewan. That move will represent a drastically different way of life than what I have become accustomed to. I will most likely be living in a small rural town or village somewhere in the vastness that is the middle of this country, with its endless views and stunning sunsets. I have never lived in a place like this in my life. I have lived in the suburbs where no one knows the names of their neighbors and everything is available 24 hours a day. In rural Saskatchewan everyone knows everything about everything. 

I get to live in my community for a year. I have never lived there for longer than four months and I have no idea what living there for a year will be like. There are always a lot of changes when I get back and I'm not sure how I will deal with the changes when I get back to my other home. Another problem is that I am not sure how I will deal with leaving. I have been a part of the community for the past four years and at the end of every summer when I have to go back to university, I have found it harder and harder to leave those who I love and those who love me behind. It makes it easier when I know that I can go back to visit whenever I want to, but when I move to the prairies, visiting won't be as simple. 

Beyond the major things, there are many little things that are changing in my life that I am not yet sure if I like. Simple things like leaving the apartment that I have lived in for the past two years and made into a home and leaving the chapel community that I have grown a part of over four years. I will no longer have as much space to myself as I used to, nor will I have the same role in worship that used to. I don't know if I will be able to create the same space for myself over the course of the year, but I know that I am going to try. 

Many of my colleagues who are also graduating this year have no idea where they are going once they are granted their degree. I am lucky in the respect that I do. That does not mean that any of the many major changes in my life are any less frightening because I have a road map. I'm not very good at reading maps. I am beginning a great new section of my life without knowing how it will end. I suppose that is really part of the adventure!