Sustainable Lifestyle

There is a lot of talk in the media these days about sustainable lifestyles. The talk is mostly about consuming less and leaving a smaller footprint on the earth. Global warming is something that is a serious concern. People are attempting to live lives that allows them to sustain the life they have. This may involve buying a fuel efficient car, not going in to debt to buy things that are outside of their ability.

The sustainable lifestyle that I am more concerned with at this moment does not involve my environmental footprint on the earth at all. It involves more of being able to sustain the relationships and responsibilities that I have taken on in my life.

It was not until I came back to school that I realized how unsustainable my lifestyle is in London. During the summer, my life revolves around a group of people. It is not necessarily a small group of people, but it is a close group. It is easy to sustain the relationships there because the same effort is put into all the relationships there. When relationships of all forms are at the center of everyone's lives.

Now that I am back at school, I am realizing that I do not have a sustainable lifestyle here. More than stretching myself with classes (which is something I do on a regular basis), I tend to stretch myself with relationships as well. I am currently overloading on classes, something that will not surprise those who know me. When I am not overachieving, I feel as though I am achieving nothing in my life.

The stretching of relationships is something that I didn't realize would happen. In community, we are more aware of our limits. We are also much more aware of how precious time is. At school, I am with a group of people who think that their lives will go on forever. The sad part if that they don't. That fact is something that I am so much more aware of. The people I live with and the people that I love most dearly most often have a shorter life span than the rest of the world due to a freak accident of genetics. There is nothing in the world that can change that.

At school relationships are something that get stretched. Many relationships are something that are passing. Acquaintances are more common than true friends. It is easy to see people and think that they will be friends for a long time, but in reality, that is not what happens. Over the course of years at university, many people become passing, no matter how long you try to cling to them.

It is hard to know which relationships to cling to and which ones you have to let go of. Sometimes it hurts to pull yourself in and sustain only the ones that are good. It is hard to pull yourself in and decide which ones are good and which ones are not. It hurts to sometimes to put yourself and your ability to sustain your life first. It hurts, but sometimes it is necessary.

This year I am aware that I am spreading myself thin when it comes to classes. The one way I am not going to spread myself thin is in my relationships. I am aware that it hurts for some people to feel me pulling back, but it's something I have to do. In order to sustain the most important relationships, I am making priorities. As horrible as that feels, it's what's important for me.

It's easy to know a lot of people. It is simple to want to be able to do everything. A Superman complex is not an uncommon thing. I should know because I certainly have it. In my attempt to beat back this complex, I am trying to create a life that I can sustain. That means sustaining it in ways that do not drive me to the edge of my sanity or push me to the edge of my physical limits. Hopefully this will work. I'll let you know.

Learning to Bloom

I went to garden shops this morning with my housemate. I am not really a flower or plant person myself. I don't really take care of them very well and I worry about them constantly. I don't like taking care of gardens because it requires getting dirty, which is something else that I do not like.

My housemate loves plants. All of the plants have recently come into the apartment from the balcony, which makes the apartment look a lot more alive than it once did. The only problem that my housemate has with one of the plants is that not blooming. She feels ripped off because her parents have all the plants that are flowering.

It is interesting that flowers are entering so much more into my life at this point. I think this may be because of a friend's blog. Flowers are now becoming a larger part of his life too. The last blog that focused on flowers was about the garden of our community.

It's never until I get to home to the community that I realize I haven't been blooming. When I am at school, I feel as though I am the hibiscus in the apartment. I'm getting enough water and enough light, but I am not blooming.

When I get to the community, I get more than enough water, more than enough light and some extra nutrients that allow me to bloom. I feel like the rare flower that only appears for four months out of the year. I bloom when I am surrounded by the other rare flowers that cannot be taken out of their environment.

Now that I am back at school, I still have a little bit of the bloom left in my life, but not too much. Sugar and caffeine seem to be what keeps the most bloom in life for me. That, and long phone calls to back home seem to help.

Learning to bloom is something that is harder than it seems. For many years of my life, I have turned so far inward that there is no way anyone else could see the bloom. Shoulders hunched over and a fear to open my mouth in front of anyone were the mark of my life. Now they are not. I have learned to stand up straight and to open my mouth because I have an opinion that counts.

I may not always want to bloom and some times I feel as though I am not ready to, but I can. I know I can because I am not a boring plant that someone walks all over. I am a rare flower.

Opening A Vein

I gave blood today. And now I feel sick. That is something that always seems to happen to me. Many people have questioned why I continue to give blood when I always feel sick after I do so. The explanation that I am a rare blood type never seems to be enough.

I personally don't like needles. I don't like the idea of things being sucked out of me. I don't particularly like the feeling of giving blood. But I do it anyways.

There are many things in life that we think we should do. Volunteering, spending more time with our family, investing more time in our relationships, give more money to charity, give more for others. The only problem that we have when it comes to wanting to give more for others is that we draw strong boundaries. We draw boundaries of how far we are willing to go in order to make our goals a reality.

We are only willing to go far enough to not involve ourselves. When it comes to the point we are really involved, when we make sacrifices, and we might get hurt, we seem to pull back. That is where we are willing to stop. We are not willing to change our lives in anyway to help other people and we are certainly not willing to focus our lives around the life of another person.

It is amazing the lengths people go to to avoid being hurt. They will retreat into a life that is created to cater to themselves. The people allowed in that life are monitored to the extent that they will be able to hurt and to change. I have learned that the greatest part of being hurt is then being able to change. When there is no reason to change, there is no change. No change leads to no growth and a static existence. That's just not quite as interesting.

Many people do not donate blood because they don't have time. Some don't donate because they don't like needles. Some don't donate because it makes them feel sick. I fall in all of those categories, but I still donate. It is always worth it to open a vein. Sometimes the rewards are few. Sometimes the rewards are great. Sometimes the rewards are unseen.

One Foot Here, One Foot There

A wise man once told me that you cannot have your heart and your head in two places. When you try to, there will come a say when you want to bring the two of them together.

Contrary to his advice, I am living my life in two places right now. My head is in London, but my heart is not. My heart remains in the community I love which is back in Richmondhill. And maybe with someone who lives in the community . . .

When I first told my wise man what I was doing, he reminded me of his advice. My response is that I have very little choice. I really did try to stay in only one place. I did. Unfortunately, that was not the place my head was telling me I should be.

In a chick flick that I enjoy watching, the main character wants to be able to be in two places at once. She gets her wish. I really wish that I could too. I don't know if I get that though.

So far, I have survived only a few weeks in one place. This included a visit from someone to London and a brief visit on my part back to the community. This hasn't stopped the feeling that I am torn to be in two places.

I never understood before now why people would be willing to continue relationships with people who are far away. Any form of sustainable relationship with someone who is not close is hard. I never really had any idea how hard though. I sustained a few close relationships for many years, but now I am attempting to sustain many. It is hard and it is tiring, but it is worth it.

I'm not sure how much I wanted to be in two places at the same time. I'm realizing that now I can't do it. My head is in one place and my heart is in pieces in many places. I feel as though I am straddling border lines. It's worse than that though. This actually hurts.

Confining Titles

The book I just finished reading had an interesting statement in it that I tend to agree with. The main character listed the titles that she held in her everyday life, mother, wife, sister. After she listed them, she realized how those titles don't have any way of showing how much each of those things entail in a life. They are not large enough to show what each of those things create.

I was thinking about the titles in my life and how small they seem next to what they really mean for me. I am a daughter. That may seem like something simple, but it comes with a whole list of responsibilities and things that are hard in life to do.

I am a sister. Also a best friend to my sister. That works out very well in everyone's life, but there is no way that the title of sister can tell all that that entails in my life. It doesn't show the joy, the tears, the fights or the love.

A few of the other titles in my life are student, teacher, companion, confidante, shoulder-to-cry-on, friend, partner and assistant. None of these titles can show in any way how important they are in my life. They don't show the unexpected joy that I find in doing the things that I do, or the complete and total exhaustion that results from trying to do too much at one time.

I am always amazed when people attempt to relegate another person the limits of a title. Titles do not serve to liberate anyone. They simply confine those who are in roles they don't like more firmly to those roles. They may simplify some things for other people (such as clarifications such as girlfriend/boyfriend) but they can also bring expectations that no one wants to meet.

For a long time, I resisted the idea of being titled as anything. The title I embrace most readily really means nothing when it comes to showing how I live. For the summer, and throughout the year, I work as an assistant. Trust me, the title means nothing. What I do every day involves being very involved with people who are totally open in their lives. They call me to be equally open and equally able to be hurt. The title means so little in that though. It actually means nothing.

When we assign titles to people in order to make things easier for others to understand, we don't always realize how confining those titles are, especially when they are not wanted. They can push someone into a place they don't want to be and make it very hard to get out of. Instead of using titles to confine those around us, and ourselves, maybe not having titles isn't such a bad thing. It may make it harder for new people to understand us, but it's worth it.

Taking A Chance

I have some song lyrics running through my head. They go something like this. "There's gotta be something more, gotta be more than this. I need a little less hard time, I need a little more bliss. I can take a chance, takin' a chance I might find what I'm lookin' for. There's gotta be something more."

Admittedly, this is a country song. I do enjoy this music. The message is also working very well for me right now.

I tend to be a person who seeks a great deal of things. I like having all the answers and I really knowing it all. I also like having it all. Not really material things, although those can be enjoyable at some points, but the relationships and the education that I want. I want things now in order to create the life that I hope to be leading in the course of the next decade.

The only problem with trying to get the things that I want for the life that I would love to have over the course of the next decade is that I have to take some chances. I'm not really the person who likes to take chances. If you look at my agenda, there is very little that is not scheduled. I know where I have to be and what I have to do. I don't take chances.

When I do choose to take some chances, they are either very carefully calculated to succeed or carefully calculated to fail. I got into university on the fact that I am a harpist and thus I am a rare commodity who can make a music faculty seem more important. All of the relationships I have been in over the past years have been undertaken with the knowledge that they are not something that will last and they will inevitably fail.

The interesting thing about my life over the past two years is that I have taken a lot of chances. Some of them have failed. The amount that I have pushed myself has led to a collapse of sorts. I am unable to use my arms for long periods of time which is the worst part about the degree I am pursuing. My stress level has risen considerably as I am ignoring the advice of my wise man and splitting my heart and my head into two places. Some of them that I had assumed would fail simply because I am who I am have not. I have found a place that I think I could easily spend my entire life. Beyond that, I have also found someone who I can see in my life for the rest of it. And that's scary. But it's also thrilling.

Many of us take chances in our lives. Sometimes they are simple chances, such as trying a new drink or new kind of food. Other times they are big and scary, such as moving across an ocean to take care of people who are different in some ways. Many of us take chances simply because we know that they will fail. I know that I do. I take chances knowing that I won't find what I am looking for. Maybe it's time that I changed my attitude.

The Long Goodbye

I'm watching West Wing right now. It's a show that I enjoy immensely and has the ability to raise interesting issues in my life. The episode that I'm watching right now is titled "The Long Goodbye." CJ's father has Alzheimer's and that is one of the names for the disease.

In my life, I have lost time with one of my great aunts. For her, that was more than the chronological title. She really was a great lady. And I never really got to know her. There is very little in life more painful than looking back and wishing that you had chances that you never got.

Alzheimer's seems to be a growing problem in our society, but something that is not seen expect for those who are caring for those who are living with it. Those who have Alzheimer's mostly are unaware that they are living in a different world than the rest of us. They tend to think they are some place other than the one they are in and get confused very easily. They also forget, which is a saving grace for some.

Much of what has been learned about Alzheimer's has been learned only in the past fifteen years. Unfortunately, there is no cure. There are treatments, but there is nothing that we can do to stop the disease that robs so many of years of memories. The problem is coming more to light as the baby boomers age. It is something that seems to strike many and the warning signs are often ignored. Luckily for those who are caregivers, there are more sources for support available now.

Another part of my life has changed recently. Instead of not knowing what I am doing after I graduate (or at least having plans for a Masters degree) I have tentatively decided to try for a degree in music therapy. I'm not entirely sure where my life is now going to go, but it seems to be going somewhere in that direction. I have experience in some different places which has led me to attempt to study music therapy, probably not in Canada if I can manage it. I've found one of the original music therapy programs at a university in Germany. I have no idea if any of this will work out at any point in my life, but it seems like a good idea right now. One of the reasons that I want to be study and be a part of this program is so that maybe some of the long goodbyes won't seem so long.

Regression and Revision

I just got back to the city in which I study for the year. It feels very strange to slip back into my old habits. It almost feels as though my summer didn't happen.

Over the course of the summer, I changed and I grew in so many ways. When I came back to London though, it felt similar to going back to my parents house. When I walk through the door, it always feels as though my sister and I are close to ten years old than we really are. The arguing starts and I stop having to completely take care of myself. I feel more lazy when I know my parents are there and life is simply easier. The regression of going home is similar to the regression I feel now.

Over the course of the summer, I am responsible for many more people than simply myself. I am used to keeping tabs on a larger group of people than I ever have to worry about when I am at school. It's strange to come and regress to my old habits. I don't have to keep tabs on so many people and I'm going to have to get used to be alone more often than I was during the summer.

I have the option of regressing to who I was and the habits I held at the beginning of the summer. I can ignore all the chances and time I've had to grow over the past four months and allow myself to be the person I was what feels like a lifetime ago. The other option is a revision.

Instead of choosing to simply regress to where I was before, I can revise my life. I can use what I learned over the past school year and also what I gained over the summer. I can revise my life to change in the way I want it to be.

To a certain extent, I know that my life is going to regress a little in order to be able to adjust to coming back to school. I can't be at the same point I was at all summer. That would make my life at school both impossible and unbearable. I do however know that I can't completely go back to the place I was at last year. Last year, I was single and now I am not. There are limits I now am enforcing in my life in order to place a higher value on what has changed my life. I get to regress and I also get to revise. I just need to decide which areas of my life fall under which category.

I wonder if I had made different choices over the summer if I wouldn't have to change my life. I don't know if that would have been easier for me. I won't ever get to find out though.