Disappearing Joy

I love what I do. I really do. At least, I think I do. Maybe not so much anymore.

Lately I've been losing the feeling of joy that I used to have when I pushed for hours to ensure that two bars of a piece are in every way perfect. I hate the feeling of exhaustion that follows every concert I do, every concert I help organize. I hate the fact that when I do practice, it's not because what I love it. It has become simply something I have to do. There is no joy left in it.

Maybe I need to take some time off. I hope that's really all it means. It's hard to lose something you love so much. It's hard when you still love it and can feel it slipping away from you.

It never works to try and cling to the joy that you have in something. It's like trying to hang on to grains of sand on a beach. The tighter you cling to it, the more it slips through your fingers. It's one of the problems with studying something you honestly love at university. Being totally immersed in something either makes you love it so much more, or totally detest it.

I already know that when I'm done university, my life is taking a different track, one away from music. I really have to. If I don't, then I will really never be able to play again. Even though the joy is disappearing, it's hard to be happy about a new path when I'm pursuing it simply because the joy in my music is gone. I think I have to leave what I love in order to keep it. If I don't, there will never be any joy left in it at all. I'm leaving something in order to keep it. And maybe the joy will stop disappearing.