Leaving With Light

I can usually be described with the rather generic and yet highly descriptive term "burn-out." This is something that tends to happen to those who are slightly less than capable of saying no to requests upon their time and energy. In my case, I am completely incapable of saying no to requests for my time and energy. Most days I am able to cope with this, but it does have an effect on me by the end of the year.

By the end of each school year, and even in the middle of the year at Christmas, I have hit my burn out point. I don't have any energy left for myself and find it hard to learn, absorb and be present for those who need me. I find myself returning to the same place that welcomes me, although I may be burnt out and lacking in some forms of energy.

I find myself coming back to a place where I am accepted completely burnt out, thinking that I have nothing to offer. I think the people here are accustomed to seeing people arrive in the same condition. The first few days are almost as hard as the last as I am so tired and attempting to find a way to make my gifts fit with those who are already there. Most of the time I find that this can happen easily, but it can also take some work.

There are a large number of people who are involved in this community. Some are long term members and some are summer assistants only here for a few months. In so many ways though, we all find a way to pass out light to each other. We can rekindle lights that have been extinguished from ignorance and pain or even from simple exhaustion. We share our lights with each other through simple acts of community - cooking together, praying together and simply being together whether in silence or laughter.

When I arrived here in May, I was not certain that four months would be long enough to relight my life. I had driven myself to the point of exhaustion, possibly deliberately, and I needed a break. This was more than the break that I needed.

I walked through the door and there were people there to greet me with open arms. I began to eat more and laugh more and have the chance to be more like a child. I also had more responsibility than I have for the majority of my life. When I live at university, I have only myself to worry about. Well, myself and all the others I attempt to take care of, but mostly just myself. Here I am responsible for crucial parts of five people's lives. I cook and clean and sometimes feel very menial, but it really is something important for the people I live with. I get to rediscover myself and also see how I might have been through relationship with those around me. I have people who want me to be fully alive and fully present in each moment. They don't want to see me the way I look during the year and they make sure that part of me is not present during the summer months.

While I have no desire to go back to school right now, I know that I do go back with a light. I have the energy to go back and continue doing what I was doing prior to returning to community. I know that should my light go out again (which I'm sure that it will) I have a place to return to that a smile is enough to put the light back in my soul.