Missing Something

I saw the tentative schedule for the orchestra at Western next year and I want to go back so badly. I want to be able to wish away the pain and the hurt I felt when I stopped playing my instrument, also referred to as my child at some points. I've made the choice to not take lessons next year and that's something I'm not going to back off of. I can't go back to working the way lessons require because it will eventually lead to my inability to use my arms. I do miss the orchestra already though. That is work that I will miss.

It's strange for some people to think that something so frivolous as music can be easy to leave behind. I really wish it was. I wish it was easy to walk away from something that gets underneath your skin and into your heart. I miss the orchestras I play in so much. Next year I will be travelling to Sydney, Australia with one group and I'm already terrified. Not so much about the performance, but the moving my harp that far. I miss the rehearsals, the jokes and the teasing as much as it drives me crazy. I miss the feeling I get in my stomach right before I step on stage although not the tears that happened last time.

I didn't think I would miss this at all. Most of the rehearsals last year stressed me out and have caused half of my grey hair. The ones that didn't stress me out made me cry. I didn't know most of the people in my university orchestra and I never felt particularly close to them. For some reason, that group is still important to me and I miss it.

I have found so much where I'm at. I work in the best environment anyone could ever ask for, but I'm still missing something. I'm missing the feeling that comes from making music with a group of people regardless of how well you know them. There is a great feeling when you have a musical moment with such a large group. I miss that. There isn't a feeling of family and there is very little support there, but what is there is worth missing. And I do.